Twin Loss

by Ahmet Yarayan

I wasn't sure I could write this, my heart is broken into pieces. I'm not sure where to start this, so I guess I'll start at the beginning.

29 May 1998

I'm very grateful to have found this sight, by accident while looking for baby names. I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant with what will be my third boy. I am excited but anxious. My first pregnancy ended tragically when we lost our twin boys at 24 weeks. Now the time is near again and I am very afraid. I don't know what to say because there is so much that has built up in me over the last year and a half since losing them. We were so excited at the prospect of having twins. I felt God had blessed us with such a wonderful gift. The pregnancy was normal until 23 weeks when everything went wrong. We were hopeful until the end, and I had put my faith in God that he would take care of our boys. Despite our best efforts they were born prematurely and died within a few hours. I'm so grateful I was able to hold them, and tell them how much I loved them. It was so difficult to go through labor knowing I couldn't stop it, and no matter what they were going to die. The first two months afterwards to hear a baby cry would cause a physical ache inside my body. After a few months no one wanted to speak of my babies and people seem uncomfortable when I talk about them. When people ask me if I have children I usually say no. It is too difficult to tell the truth and make people so uncomfortable, but sometimes I want to shout I am a mother, they are real to me, they were here once, and still live in my heart. I have lost my faith in God. I envy people who know Him. No matter how I try I cannot believe a loving God could put people and babies through this. What is the purpose? I don't know if I will ever know joy again. I see people carrying on with life and feel like they don't know or understand what's real, and they are lucky. I am happy I am pregnant again but don't allow myself to feel joy over this new life growing inside me. I'm afraid it could all be ripped away at any moment. I have withdrawn completely from people in the last month fearing they will not understand my feelings, and that I will fail as a woman again. I feel like this is sounding too much like self-pity. I am grateful to have a husband who loves me and another chance for a baby. I am 37 years old. If any one has related to any of this or would like to correspond please do (yarayan@email.msn.com)

Thanks again for being here.