One Year Later

by wwl

Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999

It's been 1 year since I lost my baby. Never did I know that the grief & hurt would continue for this long. My husband was not sure if he wanted another child. So when I found out last May that I was pregnant, it was with mixed feelings. But not once did the thought of ending the pregnancy enter my mind. I knew that with or without my husband I would love & care for my baby. During the month of August '98 I started urinating too frequently for the stage I was at. I went to my Dr. and sure enough I had developed a bladder infection. Fine, take the anti-biotics and all will be okay. WRONG!!

I then developed a high fever (104) and one night was directed to go to the hospital. This was a Friday night. They did the normal tests, ultrasound looked good, still a heart beat. I'm sure I even felt some movement that night once I returned home. Sunday evening I started having some leakage when I would cough or laugh. I thought it was just from the infection but went Monday morning to the Dr. anyway. He couldn't hear a heart beat so they took me down for an ultrasound. I'll never forget that moment. The Dr. told me my baby was dead, no fluid left. I swear my heart stopped at that moment. That was August 17, a day I will never forget. By this time I'm like 17 weeks along. I have to go the next morning to the hospital to deliver my baby. I had to wait 24 hours carrying my dead baby inside me. I wanted to die too. The only thing that kept me going was my 4 year old. One year later I still cry & grieve for my baby. No one can understand that. Certainly not my husband. The hardest part is knowing that there will be no more babies for me. My husband says we are too old and that the risks are too high. I am now 38 and he is 41. I think about our age and know he is right. But then I think that when we die our son will still be fairly young and will not have a brother or sister. I feel like I'm cheating him. I have so many good memories of my childhood with my sister and my brother and wish my son could make memories like that too. On top of all this, my brother had just died the summer of '97, which makes my memories even more treasured. I try so hard to accept the fact that this is it, be grateful for it. But I can't seem to stop this desire & need to have another baby. Sometimes I get so angry. At my husband, for denying me another child. And at myself for waiting so late in life to start a family. I'm afraid that if I keep living with these regrets & resentments that it will cause the end of my marriage. Has anyone out there experienced the same or similar problem? I sure could use some advice or at least would like to hear your story.