Okay, Time's Up

by Jane Howe
reprinted with permission

"When are you going to snap out of it and join the rest of the human race?" "Get on with your life."-Blood pressure takes a quantum leap. "We want the okay Jane back." Now my face is turning crimson. I feel my earlobes burning.

"You're still young, you can always have another one."- Fire is snorting from my nostrils. But here's my favorite... "It's God's will. Every cloud has a silver lining."- Now OBSCENITIES are pouring from my mouth.

I run out of there, jump in the car. Pushing the speed limit pressing my luck. Alternating between rage and tears. I'm not thinking about f'in silver linings.

Who was the old Jane I can never be again? How long is long enough to grieve the loss of my only child? And what kind of God takes babies from loving families?

How can they be so stupid? These are my friends, family, neighbors... no they're not stupid, it's the stupid words they say, At least they have the courage to say it. A faltering attempt to show they care.

What about the ones who duck around the corner if they see me coming? The ones that don't return my phone calls? Hide quick, here comes Jane. She's going to ask us for money. She's going to make us feel uncomfortable.

When I get into a snit like this, only one thing makes me feel better. I ask myself if I would be happier if I never knew Stevie.

No matter how sad or angry I feel. I can't imagine that. To have known him for only that short time and lost him is far better.

His shining little face is my silver lining.