My Guardian Angels

by Terra

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000

It's been 1 1/2 years since my husband and I decided that we wanted to start a family, and we're still wanting. We seemed to get pregnant the first time very quickly. It only took a few months. We found out about our first angel on Thanksgiving morning 1998 and took it as a sign. We told everyone despite how early it was in the pregnancy. We figured that it would give both our families something to be thankful for. When Christmas came that year my husband and I kept saying that we couldn't wait until next Christmas because we'd have a 5 month old baby to spoil. At 10 weeks, I had a doctor's appointment. Everything seemed fine. They couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler, but they said it's unusual to find it that early and they said we'd try again next month. In January, upon entering our 13th week of pregnancy, I started to bleed. I immediately called the doctor who said not to worry that it happens. So, I went to work as scheduled. It got worse, and then the pain started. I had to drive 45 minutes by myself back home and then to the emergency room where my mother and husband met me. It was awful. I was there 8 hours before they could finally tell me that I was losing the baby. They did an exam and blood tests. Then they ordered an ultrasound. The doctors made the nurse place a urinary catheter in order to fill up my bladder even though I insisted my bladder was full and it wasn't necessary. It was very painful and I cried the entire time. They didn't have to do that. Being in the medical field myself I knew that, but they treated my as if I didn't know anything, and that my feelings didn't really matter. I didn't want to have a D&C. I don't know why. I just didn't. So I went home and miscarried on my own 3 days later. It took 4 hours. It must've been close to being in actual labor. It was awful. Afterward I couldn't leave the house for 2 weeks. My husband was terrific. He hurt so much too, but he put me first always.

The doctor said wait a month and try again. So we did. We were pregnant for a second time 4 months later. The pregnancy felt better. I felt more pregnant than I did the first time. I had hope. At my 8 week appointment the doctor said everything was great. And, believe it or not, we heard our baby's heartbeat! It was amazing! We couldn't believe it because it was so early, but it sure did make me feel relieved. My second appointment was to be 4 weeks later on July 30, 1999. That was a hard week for me because my first baby's due date was July 29. And, I was again entering the end of my 12th week and beginning of my 13th week of pregnancy. I couldn't wait for my appointment so I could just hear the heartbeat again. But, the nurse had trouble finding it this time. Then, my doctor tried. I couldn't stop crying. He sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound because it would ease my mind to see the heartbeat. Luckily, I had to stop home to call work to say I'd be late and my mother was there and wanted to come with me to see her first grandchild. The technician at the hospital would not even look at me and would not show me the screen. She said there was no heartbeat. Four days later I had a D&C. It was very scary to go under anesthesia but it was better than how I had to lose the first baby. Now it's almost Valentine's day which would've been my second baby's due date. Thanksgiving and Christmas were very difficult. Every month that goes by and we discover that I'm not pregnant has been like losing our babies all over again. I almost feel worse emotionally now than I did a year ago after our first loss. I didn't want to believe that lightning could strike twice and now that it did it's very difficult to find hope for the future.

Part of me feels that only another pregnancy will make me feel better and part of me is terrified of another pregnancy. Part of me is also terrified that maybe we're not meant to have children at all. I wish I had a crystal ball so that I could figure out sooner how to accept what's going to happen later. I'm sad all of the time. But, I'm also angry because my husband and I have been robbed of the best feeling in the world. The blissfulness of pregnancy. The naivete. Even if we do get pregnant again, we will never be able to experience that joyfulness. We will live everyday in fear. Whether we want to or not.

I think of my babies as my guardian angels. I wear two angel pins with the stones of the months of their due dates. I think of them often.