My Loss

by April Strain
mitchandapril@webtv.net

Date: Wed, 26 May 1999

My husband and I were married Sept. 20,1997. I wanted children right away but he wanted to wait. We finally compromised. One year later I had pleaded so much that he gave in. I quit taking the pill, but was nervous that he still wasn't ready. That didn't last very long. I conceived within the first week of my last pill. I was so excited!

As soon as we found out I was pregnant, my husband made a complete 360. I think he was more excited than me. We started guessing if it was a boy or girl, picking out possible names, and even laid out the nursery plans. Our parents were buying things already and my sister was thinking of baby shower ideas. I carried the baby for 8 weeks before a miscarried. One day I noticed spotting. I wasn't very much and the doctor said that it was perfectly normal. A couple days later I started having cramping. It started light but the pain gradually increased to the point we had to make a trip to the ER. I will never forget the nurse. She was the coldest woman I had ever met. I had an ultrasound done and they said that everything looked normal. They drew blood for my HCG level and asked me to come back in 2 days so they could draw it again. The nurse walked into the room and told me there is nothing wrong, and that I need to read a book about pregnancy. I knew there was something wrong, but what did I know. Two days later I went back and they drew more blood. My HCG was low but it had made a slight increase so they said everything was still normal. That was a huge relief. My husband cried because he was so happy!

But that changed quickly. About a week later I had a complete miscarriage so fast that it was over before I had enough time to get to the doctors office. I went straight to ultrasound and there were no signs that I had ever been pregnant just one hour before! It all happened so fast. I didn't even know how to express my grief. I know that even if they had known at the ER that day there would have been nothing they could have done to save my pregnancy. I had went through a period of denial. It sounds silly, but I thought maybe they are wrong and I am still pregnant. I don't think it really hit me until the following month and my period came as normal. That is when my grieving began. June 12, 1999 was my due date. Now that it is almost here all of the pain is coming back again. It never left. This past week has been so hard for me. How will I make it through the day when the 12th actually gets here? Does it get any easier? I read in an article that there was a new star was made when I lost my baby. So I find comfort in looking at the sky and picking which star is mine.