My Angel Babies

by Sarah Secreto

Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999

Hello, My name is Sarah and I would like to include my story in the first person stories about pregnancy and infant loss. Thanks.

My Angel Babies

I read a lot of your stories and I just had to include my own. I had my first child when I was only 16. I was so happy to have her. She was a planned pregnancy, both her father and I wanted a baby. She was tiny when born, 5lbs 8ounces, even though she was full term. My pregnancy was uneventful. Everything went smoothly except that I had trouble gaining weight. She was born in June of 95. She grew fast, she was a joy to take care of, really happy, just basically a real good baby.

Just before her first birthday her dad and I got married and within a month I was pregnant again. We wanted another baby just like Juliet as soon as possible!! Everything was fine for weeks until one night I started spotting. I was very worried but I didn't do anything at first cause I had heard that I was normal for some women to spot. The next morning it was worse and I went to the hospital. The ER doc checked me and said my cervix was still closed so I had a 50-50 chance of miscarrying. It was a Sunday so they couldn't get an ultrasound tech in, so I had to come back the next day. I went home and cried and cried. My husband Frank was out of town so I called him and told him what was going on. He was so worried!! My mom took care of Julie and I and took me back to the hospital the next morning. They did the ultrasound and said I couldn't possibly be 8 weeks along because they could barely see anything there. When they found it they wouldn't tell me if it was alive. The guy said it was the doctor's job. So then when I got back to the ER with the pictures the doc told me my baby was dead. It hurt so bad. They made me stay there all day and that evening they gave me a D and C. I don't remember much other than waking up in the recovery room crying so hard I couldn't talk. It was a horrible experience!

I was so depressed for so long and I was scared to try again. But we did about a year later. Partly for us but mostly for Juliet. We wanted her to have a sibling and we didn't want them to be too far apart. I was pregnant again almost immediately! I was excited but also scared, I didn't want to lose my baby. I made it almost 8 weeks before I lost it. It was horrible. I was bleeding and having horrible cramps. It hurt me so bad!! My doctor told me after the D and C that if we still wanted to try, to try right away cause sometimes after the uterus is cleaned out the embryo can attach itself to the wall easier. We talked a lot about it and finally decided to try again right away, as soon as I stopped bleeding. We weren't supposed to have intercourse for 3 weeks so that my cervix would heal. Well we gave in to passion once after only 2 weeks and then I said we would wait until after my period to try when I knew I was ovulating.

Well it turned out I was late, went and got a pregnancy test and, BINGO pregnant again!! So this time everything went OK and at 30 weeks I found out we were having another girl. Our sweet Baby Katelin was born in March 98. Julie was sooooo excited to be a big sister. I was so surprised she wasn't jealous with Katie. She loved to sing to her. Katelin was a healthy newborn. Another happy baby who was easy to take care of. She made our family complete. I don't think I had ever been as happy as I was when I gave birth to her and she was healthy.

Katie turned four months old the night of July 12 and I nursed her to sleep as I always did. She slept that night in between her dad and I just like always. By morning she was gone. I woke up to my husband screaming, "Sarah what's wrong with her?" I knew as soon as I saw her that she was dead. I went into shock immediately and I just kept saying over and over again, "she's gone" She was so cold and blue and stiff. It was definitely the worse thing I've ever been through. Losing the other babies at 8 weeks couldn't possibly compare. I picked her up and rocked her and sang to her until the paramedics got there. They didn't even try. She was long gone. She died of SIDS. I miss her every day and poor Juliet still talks all the time about Katelin. How she liked being a big sister.

It's been eight months since she died and I cry for her often. I miss her every day. I don't think the hurt I feel will ever go away. I just want to go to heaven and see her again and meet my other two babies.

I got a positive pregnancy test 2 weeks ago. I'm 7 weeks along and I have my fingers crossed. Pray for my Julie. She really wants to be a big sister again. I really want to hold another baby in my arms. I hope all goes well. And my heart goes out to all of you. Don't give up. Kids are worth it!!!!

Thanks for listening
Sarah.

Write me at sm_sec@yahoo.com
Check out my SIDS Awarness site...
http://www.fortunecity.com/millenium/wacky/349/