A Note to "Intact" Families
(AKA families with ALL their children living)

by Lisa R. Sculley and Cindy Sundman

Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999

.. I have two remaining (and VERY precious) little boys.. well, they are not so little any more, but they are always going to be my little boys...

A Note to "Intact" Families (AKA families with ALL their children living)

1. I appreciate and cherish ALL my boys, thank you, not just the ones that remain...

2. I was ecstatic to have three kids. Yes it was work.. but kids are also love, and joy and warmth... and I wanted ALL THREE, not two here and one in heaven.

3. If you (the non bereaved) don't know how I do it, how do you think I "know" how to do it either?????

4. I love ALL my kids just as much as YOU do. The fact that I am surviving despite my loss does not indicate a lack of love for my dead child. I HAVE to go on. I don't have a choice.

5. I am not so strong. I am actually very weak, if you measure it according to the world's so called standards. I cry most of the time I am not in public, and even when I can't cry, I want to. I may not cry in front of you, but that does not mean I am not hurting. It means that I am not comfortable showing my feelings in front you. You don't allow me to show them. If I did "fall apart" in front of you, you would run the other way, or change the subject, or tell me to "get it together".

6. Whatever reason God (or a higher power,etc) had for taking my child (If I even believe He took him), it does not ease my pain one bit. I can't hold a "reason" in my arms and give it kisses and rock and sing to it and watch it grow up.

7. Having surviving children in no means makes it easier to endure this loss; being able to have other children will not replace the child who is gone.

8. I love to talk about my kids, ALL of them as much as you do about yours. Please listen to me & please say his name. He DID exist.

9. I remember his birthday & would like to celebrate it by at least having you say you remember him I'd like to remember how wonderful it was to have him, even if it was for only a few short months.

10. I am still alive, even if part of me died the day he did. Please remember that & keep in contact with me .