My life that is now gone

by Jillian Savage

Update 22 Dec 2000

Date: 4 Dec 99

I found your site while browsing and found it very helpful during my time. Here is my story, a little long but being able to write it all out has helped me a lot.

October 15th was the day that brought me the joy I have never experienced in my life. That was two days before my wedding anniversary and the day I could call my husband Daddy and call my mother Grandma and not to just make her feel old. This was the day I found out I was going to be a mother myself but also the day that eventually brought me the worst news I could imagine. I came home that Friday and took a pregnancy test just to amuse myself. I was not expecting the results that turned up. I was pregnant. I was 20 years old. I wouldn't say I was like most 20 year olds though.

I had a very active life. I traveled for 7 years across the US and Canada competing with a world-renowned drum and bugle corp. I competed in two world championships and many national and US championships and was proud of what I had accomplished. In high school, my husband proposed to me when I was just 16. He was 20. Instead of hanging out at the mall or with girlfriends after school, I was hanging out with bridesmaids and picking out decorations for the wedding and typical wedding stuff. Four months after graduation, I was to marry the man of my dreams. I was 18 and he was 22. We bought our first house and had good jobs. The only other thing we could have wanted was a baby to complete our happy little family so when I found out I was pregnant; we were both excited beyond belief. We hadn't been trying to get pregnant but we also weren't preventing it from happening. We both figured it would come when the time was right.

I quit my job for a number of reasons one being that it contained chemicals that could cause defects to an unborn baby. I worked in diesel repair but I also quit to become a stay at home mom / wife while I continued going to college.

While at home I started preparing for our baby. I started eating right and exercising like the doctor told me. We started setting up our house for our little one. Out came the cribs and stuff any baby would need. I opened up my heart to add a piece of myself into. This baby was a part of me. This baby was a part of my husband. All the while we were both having fun. The gifts were coming left and right. I was now able to join everyone else who had just had babies or was holding their own newborns in their loving arms.

I went to my appointments as scheduled even though I did not feel comfortable with him. He never talked and when he did it was short and rude but for the sake of my baby I went. I only had four appointments with this doctor and now that I think about it, it was four appointments too many. He always seemed a little off to me. Things never quite added up right. The first time I went in to see him, I was told I was almost 8 weeks along in the pregnancy. That was on October 26th, 1999. I saw him on the 27th too after a small car accident that morning and my little one had already grown 2 mm. Everything was fine. I saw him 4 weeks later and I got a due date. July 15th. I was happy even though I thought it would be a little earlier then that but then again only 1 out of 100 women deliver on their actual due date. Driving to school I was excited to tell all my friends the date they had been anxiously waiting to hear. Then I began thinking. If that due date were the date, I would have been pregnant for only two weeks. I was going to be pregnant for eleven months? What am I? An elephant? I was going to ask him about that but did not have the chance to talk to him the next few days. He was either busy or for some reason could not come to the phone. I spent the days shopping for the baby, picking out names, and opening myself up to a whole new world of motherhood. Six days later the nightmare began.

Sunday night I was driving home from a friend's house. When I got home I had realized I had started spotting. I was worried yet assured that some bleeding in the first trimester wasn't normal but not at all abnormal. Of course I called my doctor that night but like always, he was not available. The next morning I called the hospital seeing the bleeding had gotten much worse throughout the night. Still, I had no cramping so they told me to wait until my doctor could see me. I waited 5 long agonizing hours. I got in a room just to be left there for an hour while bleeding on his table. When he came in, I found him very rude. He only said three sentences to me which the first one was, "What are you doing here seeing I just saw you six days ago?" I explained to him why I was there. All he said was. "All I am going to do is give you another vaginal ultrasound." I told him to do whatever he had to and after a few minutes words came out of his mouth that no doctor should ever use. "Basically you are carrying a dead baby and if it is not out in a week then I am going to scrape it out." How could he use such words on me? I asked him how could this be happening when he told me six days ago we were both perfectly fine and growing as normal. He left the room and never came back. I felt so all alone. I was though, no one was with me. That is the last time I saw him and last time I will ever see him. I came home and called my insurance to switch doctors. They told me that I couldn't switch specialties. I informed them of what happened and immediately got a list of doctors to call. I chose a new one and set up an appointment for December 1st. Tuesday I went to school trying to get my mind off things. That was completely opposite of what it done. I was taking a medical terminology class and Tuesday was the day we learned about miscarriages and D & C's. Needless to say I cried throughout class but luckily had a great group of friends in class to help me through it. Tuesday night I started getting crampy. I stayed at Mom's house because I did not feel like getting up and she was to go to my appointment with me the next morning. I got up that morning and felt ok. Cramps were still very mild but then they hit me. I could not drive to the doctor. I had Mom drive and the whole way there I bled and had contractions, or at least that's what they felt like. We finally got there and I tried to get out of the car. The cramps were so bad and I began to cough, feeling blood just gush out of me. I got into the office and got in a room but had to use the restroom first and experienced every pregnant woman's nightmare. Inside my pants I found the sac, with my baby inside. Attached to the sac was my cord and on the end of that was the placenta. My heart sank. I was holding my life inside my pants. What else could I do but cry and cry some more? They took my baby and put it in a cup to send to the lab. To me this was like using my baby as a science experiment. I was then informed that the baby was at least 13 weeks along. My first doctor had been over 7 weeks off of how far I was along. I had my exam and they believed I had passed it all and was able to go home. I thought I was clear of the D & C. I felt a little better, physically anyway. Emotionally I was a wreck. I slept more that night then I usually do in a week. I got up Thursday feeling bad, yet not as bad physically. I went downstairs to relax and watch a little television. A few hours later the cramps got really bad. It was like those miserable contractions the day before. I was stuck though. I could not move. I could not get out of that chair. It hurt so badly. Finally I managed to crawl to the bathroom when I found what looked like more placenta. I got to a phone and called my doctor and she told me to come in the next morning. My husband came with me the next day. I was to have a D & C that morning and because I had clotted up inside, all I was doing was filling with blood that was not coming out. I was admitted into Sutter Hospital about a quarter to noon. I had no eaten anything nor had I had anything to drink since Wednesday. I was told my surgery would be between 2 and 3 in the afternoon. At 2 they came in and told me between 3 and four and at 3 they came in and told me not until between 4 and 5 and then at 5 they told me that they were going to wait till my doctor was able to do it herself. I was becoming the world's worst miserable patient. I could not sleep because my stomach was growling so loud it would wake me up. I felt a migraine coming on too. My husband was bored just sitting there and I was getting frustrated. Finally at 6 I told the nurse at 6:30 I was going to Burger King across the street. She laughed and said she would have gone hours ago if she were me. A 6:25 the surgeons came in for me and took me downstairs. Finally after 5 days I got some good drugs. I didn't feel the pain, physically or emotionally. It was a legal high basically and for the moment I was ok. Soon after I was knocked out and they began the procedure and I woke up in the OR. I don't remember waking up but my doctor told my husband out in the waiting room that I woke up yelling and crying at her that she killed my baby. She understood how drugged up I was and didn't take it personally thank God because at the time I had no clue what I was saying. I don't even remember. I woke up in the recovery room feeling drained. I felt like I had destroyed my dream even though I knew it wasn't their fault nor was it mine but I kept blaming myself. It was my fault that baby died, or so I thought. I stayed up in the surgical ward for a few hours before requesting I go home. I was doing fine physically but emotionally I was a wreck still even though I was so doped up on medication. We drove home late that night and all I can remember was telling my husband what a bad person I was. He assured me it wasn't my fault. I still think it is but it is still only the next day and only time can fix what I am going through.

I am adding this part a few hours later. I wrote this and decided to take a nap. Too many emotions have been running though me. I was woke up by the phone. Go figure; it never rings when I am awake. Throughout the past 6 days, there has not been much time to tell everyone, including my in-laws. I called them before my nap and told my father in law. My mother in law was not home and called me back and I think she should hook up with my first doctor. She told me, "Apparently you did something wrong and now God is punishing you and you probably wont have kids ever again?" What are these people trying to do to me? Do they enjoy kicking a dog when it is down? I just don't know and do not think I will understand how people can be this way.

Now here I sit, alone; even more convinced that it is my fault. It hasn't been 24 hours since I completely lost my baby. Luckily I have the advantage of having so many friends, online and offline to help get me through this. This has brought my husband and I a lot closer. I've never seen him go through so much pain and never thought he would be like this. I have no idea how he has been able to put up with me these past 6 days. I have been a wreck. He has been there for me from day one and I will always love him as much as I loved my born but unborn child. Even though I will never really 'know' this child, I will always know it was mine. It was a part of me. It will always be my first child and I am glad I got to be a mommy, if even for a short amount of time. I still feel alone and very empty but it is only day 2 and even though I can never replace my first, I will someday have my baby.

Jillian Savage
December 04, 1999

Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2000

Since my m/c in December of '99, things have turned for the better.
On March 9th, I found out I was pregnant again and I have to admit I
couldn't be happy. I was scared....scared that I was going to lose
another baby they way I had done not 4 months before. I was put on
bed rest and was told that everything was normal but how could I
believe them? They told me that last time, too. My first trimester
passed and they said I didn't have a need to worry as much but I did.
I worried up until November 12th, when my healthy baby boy was born.
He was big...9 pounds, 9 ounces and 20.5 inches long WITH HAIR!
Lots of it! Even during my pregnancy when I felt him kick and roll
over, I worried that every kick and roll would be the last one I
felt. But now, after the 10 weeks of preterm labor, the morning
sickness throughout my pregnancy, the 36 hours of labor in the
hospital, the 6 epidurals and the spinal that STILL didn't numb me
and I had to go into a c section not numb...it was all worth it and
I would do it over in a heartbeat to hold my little / big boy for
the first time. I named him Tyler, the Tyler being my first angels
middle name, and even though I only have one baby, I still have two
sons. I never thought this day would come and here it is! He's
almost 6 weeks old and he is the apple of my eye. So, there is
hope. I'm glad I was able to do it again.

Jillian Savage
December 22, 2000