4th Birthday and Alone

by  Diana Russell
DJRNRGSAG@cs.com

14 July 1998

My dearest baby boy,

Nathan, this has to be the hardest Birthday yet! July 27th you would be 4 years old. This time around I've been forced to deal with this all on my own. You see your daddy has decided that he does not love me anymore and wants a divorce. He has a new girlfriend he has been seeing. He has somehow managed to completely put me out of his life. All we've been through these past 5 years seem to mean absolutely nothing to him.

Dealing with losing you I thought would be the hardest thing I could ever possibly do. I've been proven wrong by your daddy. Somehow I feel so wrong for expressing myself to you, our child. I will never be able to do this with your sister, I can't speak badly of your father to her and I do not wish to do so with you either. All I know is right now I feel as if you are the only one who can truly see and understand how I feel. Everyone around me tries to tell me how I should be doing things and how I should be feeling. No one around me is in my shoes and can't possibly understand how I feel losing your father. I believed he and I were meant to be! Why would two people be put together to deal with the loss of our beautiful son only to become torn apart in the future?

I miss you so!