Christmas #3

by Diana Russell
DJRNRGSAG@cs.com

Date: Tue, 23 Dec 1997

Dearest Nathan,

I hope you're watching us from above, especially your little sister Shelby. I think about you daily, how would you act on Santa's lap? Your sister was scared but did not cry. Shopping for her is a joy we did not experience for you. I feel guilty that she has, at 8 months, experienced so much more than you. You are so treasured in our hearts, differently than your sister. We love you both equally, just in different ways.

Your cousin Kristina still has a hard time with you being gone. Every now and again she gets moody and takes her a while to admit her sadness in missing you. It's hard for her to watch your sister and other children grow and learn when you can not. Please watch over her it worries mommy sometimes to see her cry as hard as she does.

The holidays always seem to make us sad all over again. Year after year we miss you and wish you were here to open your gifts. We've added a lot of decorations to the house this year to help your sister grow up knowing all about her big brother.

Mommy is feeling differently this year. I worry about how you feel watching us with your sister. We shop, get pictures taken, send them in Christmas cards, anticipate her first Christmas and opening her gifts. I wish you were here to do the same. How complete we would be with you both on Santa's lap, fighting over toys and attention, all the normal things a family gets to do together.

I suppose we'll never get to be any more than we are. We are a family in different places and I accept that for now. I don't like it, but I accept it. Someday we will be complete and together in a better place. Nathan, mommy loves and misses you more than words could ever describe. Although I endure a lot of pain I would not give up our short time together for anything in this world. Merry Christmas my little son!

by Diana Gagneau