First pregnancy - First miscarriage

by Quinn

Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000

Thank you to everyone who has been brave enough to tell their stories on the
SIDS site, it helped me a lot to read them and gave me the courage to tell
my story.

I am a 28 year old British woman in London, England my partner is 27.
Eighteen months ago I stopped having Depo-Provera contraceptive injections.
We were told not to be too surprised if it took us a while to conceive - up
to a year would be quite normal. The year came and went and nothing
happened and we began to wonder about going for tests. However, I got
really run down with a chronic ear infection and was prescribed antibiotics
by my GP. That same night I realised that my period was late. Fortunately
my partner had the good sense to go get a HPT before I started on the course
of antibiotics. The test (or rather the tests - we did 4!) came out
positive. The following day the doctor reassured me that the antibiotics
were perfectly safe in pregnancy. The GP sent a urine sample away to the
lab for confirmation of the pregnancy and my partner and I began to enjoy
the prospect of our first child.

These sorts of things do not work very quickly via the GP and it took a week
for us to get the confirmation from the doctor. That same morning I noticed
a small amount of brown discharge after going to the toilet. At first I
thought nothing of it, but by the afternoon it was a little heavier and
redder. I called my partner at work and we rushed straight to the hospital.
The Gynie doctor reassured me that my cervix was still closed and that I was
still pregnant (blood and urine tests). However, she said that if I
continued to bleed I should return - so we did the following afternoon -
this time slightly heavier again. Again same tests, same internal exam,
same conclusion. That was the Friday. Over the weekend I began to worry a
little less as there was only the slightest trace of blood when I wiped.
The doctor had booked me in for a vaginal scan on the Monday morning and I
felt sure it would be ok and that I would see my little "apple pip". I was
six weeks pregnant.

On the Monday morning I left home with traces of a little more blood, both
my partner and I were extremely worried again. When I went into the scan
room and explained that there had been light bleeding the midwife wanted to
do a quick exam first before the probe. As I took down my pants I felt a
small rush of blood down my leg and we knew at that moment our dream was
over. For 11 days we considered ourselves parents and it was over. The
midwife continued with the vaginal probe just to be certain, but there was
nothing there.

I was taken straight to the Gynie department and put on the schedule for
theatre for an emergency D&C that afternoon/evening. We cried all day. I
can't explain how I was feeling - it was a mixture of disbelief, immense
sadness, and numbness. I don't have the words to describe the mixture of
emotions properly.

Now 10 days on - how do I feel? Still I do not truly know. I know that
most of the time it feels as though it happened in another lifetime or to
someone else. We have tried to get back to our normal routines and that has
helped us. It hasn't stopped me crying. I still cry whenever I let myself
think about it, or whenever it creeps up on me. It hasn't stopped me
wanting a baby. My partner and I have talked about having a family for all
the time we have been together, and we still want a family. But now we are
anxious and cautious. My partners feels that he couldn't cope with these
huge emotions again - but I have to hold onto the idea that everything will
be okay and that one day we will have our babies.

In some ways I count myself lucky that we lost our baby at such an early
stage. I know that it would have been even more traumatic to lose it later
on in the pregnancy. We also comfort ourselves with the fact that the
medical staff said that my ear infection and the extremely high temperature
I had because of fit were certainly contributing factors to the miscarriage.
Also the fact that it did occur so early on probably meant that there was
something fundamentally wrong with the baby - perhaps therefore it is kinder
this way. I don't know.

If you have struggled this far through my ramblings congratulations - if you
are suffering in a similar situation I offer you my warmest wishes and hope
that you and I will have a successful pregnancy next time. Good Luck
everyone - take care.