Wanted

by Terry Pillay

Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 

I'm losing a lot of blood for a period what could the matter be? There is way to much pain for this with this cycle, I had better see my doctor, I` thinking. Mam, he says you are about 2 months pregnant but your having a miscarriage. Miscarrying a baby I had not ever even known I was carrying until then. My heart was broken. We had been trying for a while now to have another baby our eldest was already 11 years old.

Then about 3 months later I was pregnant again. This time I going to be more careful. This little one was growing right under and into my heart. Him or her place was already certified in our hearts and lives. Our plans were under way. The place where the cot was to stand was chosen the clinic that I want to have the baby in was booked whether I would give natural birth or not was discussed. Now we were just waiting for the baby's arrival. At 3 moths I was given a McDonald stitch.

But, then this baby to was not to be. I miscarried at 4 1/2 months. Once again, I was experiencing the same loss and pain. Repeating the same emotions only on a larger scale. Questioning myself all the time. One of the questions upper most in my mind was, was I the problem person or my husband?. Did I perhaps pick up something to heavy for me to carry did I not perhaps hurt the baby in my sleep?. I just could not understand where the problem was and neither could my doctor locate the problem. But, my husband was also, of great moral support to me.

Then I got pregnant again for the third time, even though my doctor had stressed for us to wait at least 6 months before my next pregnancy. But I felt as if something was missing in my life. 3 months into my pregnancy I was given the McDonald stitch again. This was just after the baby attempted to abort again. As of then everything seemed to be progressing normally. The baby started kicking at about 5 months, it's heartbeat was strong according to the sona. Then one Sunday Morning started wet and slimy. All of that afternoon I was seeing more and more water. By about 3:30 I called my doctor who told me to meet at the hospital immediately. We then rushed to the hospital. By this time I was really scared and expecting the worst. I was praying all the time telling myself that everything was going to be okay, talking to the baby telling him to hold on for dear life. that he was strong and make it just for mummy, dad and his sister Sandria. Who had been waiting just as long as us for her little brother. After he had performed his check-up told us what I already suspected, that I was having a miscarriage. Why me I ask? Lord why are you taking away my again baby?. You've let me carry him, love him for 6 whole months and then you decide that you need him ? I need him too to Lord , I love him just as much as you do. I felt as if my world was at it's end. I was mourning another loss again. In fact, I might even have stopped feeling anything by then.

Then in March of the year 2000 my doctor confirmed that I was once again pregnant. This was now about 6 months after my last miscarriage. You must be telling yourself by now that this women was crazy to keep on going through miscarriage after miscarriage but I so desperately wanted a baby. At 3 months I was again given the McDonald stitch but this time I also had to go for a progesterone injection every week up until my 6th month. Which we had to pay cash for because our medical aid did not pay for this. Through all my trials and tribulations I still stayed strong and positive. I prayed like you will not believe. I still had a few problems here and there but with the grace of the Lord I made it.

9 Months down the line on the Thursday of the 21st of September 2000, I gave birth to a lovely, beautiful baby girl. Paige, has all her fingers and toes and she is more precious then even gold. She is such a joy and I now realise that the Lord has his time for everything. He knows why things happen the way that they do. We might know all the answers now but one day we will know them. To all the women who are going through the same thing that I went through, keep faith be strong in your Lord God. To the network administrator thank you for this site it helps a lot to talk and listen to others who have the same problem. It helps to know that your not alone.

Thank you

Terry