I still cry every night

by Lily Ong

Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999

I am a 35 year old Chinese with a baby boy of 16 months old. I conceived Joshua after 8 years of marriage. During the 8 years, I went through labroscopy operation, IUI programmes and twice the IVF programme (test-tube baby) but it was all unsuccessful. My husband and I went through very tough emotional times but we continued to be close to each other.

Imagine our great surprise when I conceived Joshua naturally.

About 4 weeks ago, we found out that I was pregnant again, this time through IVF. I cannot express enough the happiness that Joshua would have another companion when he is around 2 years old.

At about 6 weeks, I saw my baby heart beat.

At about 8 weeks, my heart dropped when the doctor said that the size of the baby was abnormally small and we could not detect any heartbeat. I cried all the way to the operation theatre where D&C was done.

I have received many hurtful comments eg, did you eat anything wrong that caused the miscarriage, it's OK, try again. Etc.

I still cry every night and find it hard to accept that my baby is gone and that I would never have the chance to hold my baby and love him/her.

Relatives and friends says that time will heal. I know that but it is a very difficult time for me now.

Perhaps some one could share your experience on how you cope with miscarriage.

Lily Ong