Three Lost Angels

by Lori Munger

Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999

My first miscarriage happened in February of 1995. I was so excited and told everyone. I started bleeding at 7 weeks very heavily and passed a partial part of my child. I had a d & c right away. We were devastated. I couldn't get it off of my mind but a few months later, we tried again and in August of 1995 I became pregnant again. Again at 7 weeks, I started to spot brown lightly. I kept hoping because I wasn't bleeding heavily, I can't be miscarrying. I was told to stay off my feet and then on the third day of spotting, I began to bleed heavily. I cried all day.

That night I had an anxiety attack and had to be taken to the hospital. They did an ultrasound and there was still a weak heartbeat. We still had hope. The next morning I went to have another ultrasound and confirmed that the baby was dead. I couldn't believe this was happening again. Boy, did I hate God. I kept thinking what did we do to deserve this. I had another d & C which made me sick. We again waited the three months and my doctor finally concluded that my body at 7 weeks didn't produce enough estrogen, so she put me on Clomephene and once I did get pregnant, I got hormone shots weekly until 12 weeks. Well, in my 3rd pregnancy, I started to bleed again at 7 weeks, I had an ultrasound and everything was o.k. Needless to say that pregnancy was a long, long 9 months. I wasn't satisfied until I held my beautiful little boy in my arms. He is now 2 now and I am currently 13 weeks pregnant. The only bad news is at 6 weeks, I started spotting again and we had an ultrasound and was told there was twins. One sac was smaller than it should be and I would have another ultrasound at 12 weeks. When we went for our ultrasound on November 26, 1999, they told us only one fetus survived. We were devastated again. I couldn't believe it, I didn't even bleed. They told me that sometimes it just gets reabsorbed into the uterus. I don't know why God keeps doing this to us. I hope he has a plan. I have to trust him. We felt so guilty because we were so shocked at first to learn we were having twins and now we lost one. I think I'll go to my support group again. If any of you have one in your area, they helped me a great deal through my first two miscarriages. It does get easier, but you never forget. I have so many mixed feelings this time, I have a healthy child inside of me but grieve for the lost child I will never meet. I'm so scared to continue this pregnancy, all those old feelings are back. God bless all of us who ever have to experience this awful tragedy.

Lori Munger