Once bitten twice shy - a Story of loss and hope

by Monique

Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000

I really enjoyed reading the testimonials on your site and it gave me the courage to write my story. I am currently pregnant...but don't ask how far along, because I'm not sure. After my first pregnancy and miscarriage in late June of 2000 (I miscarried one week before I was married to the most wonderful man), I have been having irregular bleeding so it's pretty tough to determine my last period. It was very difficult trying to be happy and visit with family and grieving at the same time. Even though I was probably only 5 weeks pregnant, both my husband and I felt the loss deeply. Well, 3 weeks ago, my breasts were swollen and tender-quick quick quick...get that HPT! Thank goodness they only cost about $7.00 these days! Hooray...a little pink line. My husband made me go out and buy 3 more just to keep on hand so we could check whenever we wanted. Unfortunately...I was bleeding...and quite heavily too. It has now been 21 days since I took the first HPT and then a blood test at the hospital and have been bleeding ever since with some mild cramping. Exactly 1 week ago, I had an internal ultrasound...my uterus is empty. The technician said she "couldn't see the sac"...no fetus. I'm still bleeding. Things don't look so good. I've miscarried once before and I don't feel right about all this bleeding nonsense. Some women have told me that they bled through all their pregnancies and they have healthy children. I just can't believe that and probably won't until I see for myself that there is something inside me on the sonograph. It just doesn't seem real yet. I don't know whether to be sad, happy, calm, realistic, angry, confused, or frustrated. It is such a confusing maze of emotions and thoughts. I feel like my husband and I can't plan anything in our lives, and that we'd be setting ourselves up for a huge fall if we were to get too excited about anything just yet. I hope I can find the strength somewhere to cope with the consequences...whatever they may be. God bless to all the other women who find themselves dealing will loss and difficult pregnancy.

Thank you for reading my story.