Too Hard to Understand ....

by MomKym 

Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2001

I have read many of the stories in this site. They are all so sad. It does
seem so unfair. I have children, but have experienced loss too. My first
two children are from my first marriage and I was in my 20's when I had them.
 I divorced (and thought that was the hardest thing to accept, but now I know
different). I remarried someone who has never had children and we wanted a
larger family. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at about 10 weeks.
 But shortly thereafter we were pregnant again and I delivered and this baby
was very special ... he had breathing problems and was in ICU for about 4
days, but came home with us. He is now 6. I became pregnant soon afterwards
and had another boy and he was very healthy and is now 4. My other two boys
are 12 and 14 at this time. So I have been blessed and truly love these
children. We wanted another, but I decided to wait, so that the youngest
could be a little older. I did become pregnant and it ended at 6 weeks on
Mother's Day. That was extremely hard. I have and still am a firm believer
that there is always a reason for everything. Then I became pregnant again a
few months later. I really felt and thought all was well. We waited until
we past 3 months before we told anyone, just so we would not have to tell
people we were pregnant and then not pregnant. We made it past 3 months and
then it was time for genetic counseling, since I am 39. We went to the best
specialist where we live and did the counseling, blood work and now we were
ready for the ultrasound and possible amnio. (I wasn't sure about the amnio.
and did not make up my mind about it). Well, when the tech did the
ultrasound, she left a few seconds and said she was getting the doctor. I
really felt something was wrong, because I could not see or hear the
heartbeat. My husband said not too worry, but after going through
ultrasounds with my others, I just knew something was wrong. The doctor came
in and told us she had bad new, there is not a heartbeat. She was very
sympathetic, but I was in shock. I had to go back to my OB's office that
morning and he told me that she (the other doctor) saw a growth on the baby's
neck and suspected cystic hygroma. At this point I still did not know what
the baby was and it did not really matter. I suspected a girl. Then I asked
for a D & C and he said no, I was really 19 weeks, not 15 like we thought.

I had to wait through the weekend before I could go in. Then when I arrived at
the hospital and had to go to L&D, I was just numb. I knew if I could just
make it through Monday, I would be home that afternoon, but needless to say,
my body did not want to go into labor. I have had four children and now my
body doesn't want to be induced. I did not have my baby until Tuesday
afternoon. I had a girl and I have always wanted a daughter. Don't get me
wrong, I know I have had children and unlike so many others that never have.
I love my boys with all my heart, but still wanted a daughter. We named her
Gabrielle Renee. I know she is with God and all is well, but the pain is
still very hard. It has only been 3 weeks. I know time will heal all. We
are not sure, as the results will take about 6 weeks. But soon I shall know
what really happened or at least I hope I do. I am so unsure about all of
this. I don't even know if I have the will to try again. Maybe I am too
old. At least I know I am not alone. We will be having Gabrielle's memorial
this week and maybe that will put some closure on this, I don't know. I do
know, I miss being pregnant and my baby so much. She will never be forgotten.