Lost Angels

by Sandra Mills 
mills@netease.net 

Date: 19 Dec 2000

Lost Angels

In March of this year we found out that I had a very low progesterone level and would have to take fertility drugs to achieve pregnancy. I started Clomid in June. The second week of July I found out that I was finally pregnant, after trying for two years to get pregnant we were so excited. I started dreaming about Christmas and what it was going to be like to be showing and enjoying the holidays with our families. Expecting the new year to bring us a new baby. My only sister was getting married on July 15th, she and I had just returned from the wedding rehearsal when I started spotting. I was in such a panic, I never thought that something like this could happen. After being in the ER for 6hrs. my OB/GYN showed up, after looking at the ultrasound he thought that I had an ectopic pregnancy, after the laparoscopic surgery, the Dr. said that it was a cyst on my ovary and thought that the pregnancy was o.k. I was so thankful, I was still six weeks along, but in a week I went to the Dr. and all my levels had dropped, I had indeed miscarried. I was devastated.

I thought that I had grieved and was ready to try again. So I started Clomid again in August and in Sept. found out that we were pregnant for the second time. I was very scared, but excited. When I went for the first Dr. appt. I had started bleeding before time to see the Dr. He check me and said that my cervix was still closed and drew HCG levels and told me to relax and wait for the results. They come back low, but o.k., then two weeks later the began to drop, so we thought that I was miscarrying again. I waited to lose our baby, again. 3 or 4 weeks went by and nothing happened I still had not started, so the Dr. wanted to draw some more blood. My levels had all of a sudden went back up. We waited a for yet another week and they were staying the same. I had an ultrasound on Nov.8th. There was a place on my ovary that looked like an ectopic pregnancy again. I thought that the Dr. was going to take my left ovary and fallopian tube. I went into to surgery on Nov. 9th not knowing what was in my future. My pregnancy was in the tube and it was a cyst on my ovary. Instead of surgically removing the embryo, the Dr. decided to treat me with methotrexate. Now Christmas is almost here and I have now lost two babies. I don't know when I will try again, but I will someday. I pray for all of the other women and men that suffer through infertility and pregnancy loss daily. I hope that my story can help others find their way through such tough times. I am still trying to find my way through and it is very hard and has to be done on a daily bases. God Bless!!