Putting on a Mask

by Melanie
mommy to Brittany Danielle 7/18/89-present
and Trey Jakob 1/26/98-3/21/98

18 July 1998

Well today is my daughter's birthday. She turns 9 today. All I can think about is how her baby brother should be here to get a little taste of her birthday cake. A few weeks ago, my dad gave me back the walker that had been hers. I didn't want to take it. It was a reminder of a little boy that should be using it today and he is not. I always feel like I am putting on this "mask". This mask that says, "yes, of course I'm getting better." "Yes, of course, I'll be fine." "Yes, of course, I am strong, I can get through this." It's all a mask, because that is not the way I feel at all. I always feel like I have to pretend that everything is "okay" when really things are not okay and I am not sure they ever will be okay. So in another hour I will put on this trusty little mask I have created and pretend that it is a happy time at a birthday party, when inside all I am thinking about is Trey. This is not a good thing I know, I should be trying to focus on making it a happy day for Brittany, hence the mask. Can anybody help? Does anybody else feel like this? Or am I just totally crazy here for feeling like this. I just want to scream out at the whole world, WHY IS MY BABY NOT HERE TODAY? WHY WON'T HE BE HERE TOMORROW AND THE NEXT DAY?