Our Little Angels

by Tracie S. Lemoine

Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1999

Me and my husband have decided to try again after our second miscarriage. I have been really scared but I know in my heart I am finally ready and hope I can deal with whatever God permits. Something has been telling me to research online miscarriage and pregnancy so this is how I came upon this wonderful website. I now know I am not alone. I'm not glad by no means that there is others out there feeling the same way I am, I just don't feel so alone and crazy. I think of our little angels everyday.

We lost our first baby at 6 1/2 weeks. I didn't know I was pregnant so I didn't get attached like the second. Our second little angel was everything. Which made me feel so guilty that I didn't feel the same for the first one.

Everything I ate everything I did even the air that I breathed I made sure it was healthy for our baby. When we went to hear the heartbeat at 12 weeks, I remember laying there thinking (when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat) Oh I'm not worried because God wouldn't let this happen to me twice. So they pulled in the ultrasound machine and I could see our little angel I was so thrilled, but the doctor softly said, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" it stopped growing at 9 weeks. I went home for 2 days knowing my baby was dead inside me before they could do the d & c. A lot of people tell me at least it was only 12 weeks or that it just wouldn't have bothered them so bad. I let them say what the want and I have bottled up my true feelings. That was July 31, 1998. It's been over a year. I still don't look at our angels baby book or at the picture from the ultrasound.

I don't blame God anymore. Actually it has made us closer. I am so grateful for that. It has also brought me and my husband closer too.

To be able to send this to people who truly understand is so fulfilling to me. I thought I was alone. God bless all of you.