Where is my baby?

by Gina Kocian

Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000

My pregnancy was unexpected, I was on birth control. No I didn't miss any. Yes, I took it at the same time etc... My first reaction, I cried for awhile I didn't want a baby right now if ever. I have a 2yr old and a 4 yr old. Plus me and my husband had been just working out problems we have been having. I told him when he came home and he was happy. He really wants a son. Every moment went by and I got right back into baby mode it was like second nature. We told everyone and everyone was happy for us. The baby was/is still on my mind constantly. I quit taking my depression medication, Zoloft, immediately. I had some dizzy spells after that but, otherwise, didn't get sick like with my girls. Wed. I had my first exam and was told to be approximately 10 weeks plus. I scheduled for my sonogram for the following Monday. We couldn't wait. I thought I might be further along. I was starting to show already. Wednesday evening I took my kids to a Halloween parade and contest at the mall. When I came home I felt fluid come from me so I went to the bathroom and it was blood, (old blood). The next day, was the same so I called my nurse, she said it is just the left over blood from the exam that didn't come out. I never bled with my other babies. So that night it became red and more. Like a normal period. Friday, yesterday, my husband called from work to see how I was feeling. I told him that I was still bleeding and he wanted me to call the OB on call. She was the same OB who had examined me earlier that week. She told me to go to the ER and be evaluated for a possible miscarriage. I felt like I swallowed my heart.

I tried to call my husband but his manager was on the phone I called my mom crying I was scared. She told me to calm down and call the operator and get an emergency break through the line. His manager would not take the call she told the operator that she can't except those type of calls. I was crying and told the operator that my husband works there and I need him to take me to the ER, I was having a miscarriage. Then the operator said that she would have him call me back. I couldn't believe this! I tried to get my 2 & 4 yr old dressed I felt like they were giving me such a hard time. I called their grandfather and asked him to watch them, he came over and got the kids and 3 mins later my husband was home. He had to of drove 70mls and hour. He took me in it was about noon. They took urine and tubes of blood which they had to stick me 3 times to get my blood. I didn't care about that though, part of me felt I deserved this pain or worse and part of me said I'll go through any pain just let my baby be ok. 

I got an IV with fluid so I could get my sonogram. He could only see the sack of fluid in my uterus not my baby. I didn't understand, "where is my baby" He said it could be this and it could be that. I felt my emotions were now on a yo-yo string. I'd feel hope then it would all be gone. I had such a conflict going on inside my head that I didn't know what I truly thought. They decided to take me to another floor their sonograms are better. I got up off my chair and I was soaked with blood. I had to throw my underwear away. I tried to clean my self up as best I could they put my on a portable bed and took me to sonogram. She was saying much as she did the sonogram. I had a bad feeling about it then. I went to the bathroom again and their was so much blood and I felt and seen a large part come out. I started to freak out and just kept saying "oh my God, Oh my God" A woman came in she helped me and hugged me. I tried to start cleaning up the blood. She told me not to worry about that. I didn't know what to do...reach in and pick up what was supposed to be my baby or flush. I felt such a pain when I flushed. I felt " my God I just flushed my baby down the toilet." Could my heart sink any worse at this point? They took me back to The ER then asked me what I wanted to do and I chose a D&C. I seen a couple people I knew working their I was hoping I wouldn't but knew it was inevitable since I used to work there. Wheeling me around... I was and am so angry at everything, at God, at myself, at all theses other woman with their bellies in full bloom, looking so happy.

Now they take me to the 11th floor and check my vitals etc. They got me a pair of the disposable underwear and yet another pad. It was time to go to the ER. I stared through everyone as they talked to me. I was put under. I remember the pain as I was in and out of consciousness. I think I tried to sit up even, it was like a bad dream. I came to later. I felt so sore and empty. They took me back up to my husband it was 8pm by then we had been there for 8hrs. My husband was by my side the whole time except in the OR. He lost his baby too, I try to remember that. He was supposed to got out of town with the National Guards. I'm glad he was here for me. He held me when I needed him too. He was silent when I just needed silence, He spoke loving words when I needed them too. Now today is the first morning after we lost our baby. I never thought this would happen to me. I don't feel I can face the hundred people who know me as being pregnant, when they say so "How are you doing with the baby? When is your due date again?" How do I deal with that? I just feel like being a hermit. Please excuse any typos, this was wrote through tears And a final note: To all of you who said to me or say to any woman who has gone through this--"Well at least you have other kids" "Well you can always have another one, you are young" My reply is simply "HOW DARE YOU, how dare you say that."