Forever Expecting Max

by Jennifer McBride
8/16/96

reprinted with permission

It seems I'll spend my life forever expecting Max.

As a young girl his presence filled my mind. I imagined what it would be like
to be someone's mom.
I thought:
"What will he be like?"
"Who will he look like?"
"What will he sound like?"
"What special talents will distinguish him from the crowd?"

As a woman his presence filled my body.
My vision of him began to take form as I felt him grow and move within me, saw
him on a sonogram, and heard his heart beat. I thought:
"What will he be like?"
"Who will he look like?"
"What will he sound like?"
"What special talents will distinguish him from the crowd?"

As a new mom his presence filled my arms.
I watched in wonder as he performed the typical newborn feats and some that I
was sure were uniquely "MAX". He'd changed so much in the first six weeks that
I still found myself thinking:
"What will he be like?"
"Who will he look like?"
"What will he sound like?"
"What special talents will distinguish him from the crowd?"

As a SIDS mom his presence, once again, fills my mind.
He's always with me, not just a thought or a memory but an integrated part of
the woman I've become. And for the rest of my life I'll imagine what it would
have been like to have seen him grow and I'll anticipate that time when our
spirits will meet again by thinking:
"What will he be like?"
"Who will he look like?"
"What will he sound like?"
"What special talents will distinguish him from the crowd?"

It seems I'll spend my life forever expecting Max.