Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 

 My first pregnancy occurred at the tail end of my high school career. I
was mortified when I found out--surely this could not be happening to me!
All of my hopes and dreams for the future would have to be put on hold, and
I felt as though I was the biggest disappointment that anyone ever knew.
Going through with the pregnancy was the only realistic alternative I had,
so we quickly organized our lives in order to accommodate the new edition to
our new family. The pregnancy was easy and uncomplicated and, on Christmas
Eve 1997, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy that we named Matthew.

 It took me awhile to adjust, but three years later I am happily married and
completely in love with my husband. We have a nice new house, a nice car, I
am finally going back to school and my husband has a great job. Finally, I
felt ready to expand our family and have another baby. The first time we
tried, we became pregnant! We were so excited! Within the first week that
we knew, we were already talking about names and how we would have to
rearrange the house when the new baby arrived in July.

Everything seemed great until my 5th week of pregnancy. I noticed when I
went to the bathroom that there were some brownish-bloody looking stains in
my underpants. The next day, it was more apparent, but it wasn't very heavy
and I didn't let myself worry too much about it. I went to the doctor, who
put me on bed rest and tested my blood for HCG levels. For two days--Friday
and Saturday--there was no bleeding. But on Sunday night, is started again.
By Monday morning it was no longer just a brownish liquid, it was bright red
blood and a quite heavy blood loss. They tested for HCG levels again on
Monday and the numbers were up from 741 to 890, but they should have been up
to about 3100. The bleeding continued, and on Wednesday, they did another
blood test. That night, I passed some huge pieces of tissue and blood
clots. In my heart, I knew the truth, but I didn't want to believe it. I
had wanted this pregnancy so much--I had prayed faithfully that everything
would go smoothly as with my first pregnancy and I would have no
complications. The test results came back on Friday and the numbers had
dropped dramatically to 360. Even though I already knew, hearing the doctor
actually say the words broke my heart.

I wonder why when I wanted this and prayed so fervently that it didn't turn
out the way I had hoped. I wonder if it was something I ate or did. I
search my brain intensely for a logical explanation. On the other hand, I
feel like I have received a sign from God and that He was preparing me for
this day. Last Wednesday in my Western Civilization class, I was assigned
to read the History of the Franks by Gregory of Tours. Before I even got to
this part, the words of Queen Clotilda jumped out at me. "I give thanks to
the omnipotent God, creator of all, who has judged me not wholly unworthy,
that He should deign to take to His kingdom one...from my womb. My soul is
not stricken with grief for [his] sake, because I know that...he will be fed
by the vision of God. I am comforted by the knowledge that God had bigger
and better plans for this child, and although it is disappointing to have
lost a child I never knew, I know that a piece of me lives on in Heaven. I
now have my own personal guardian angel and one day; we will meet in
paradise.