I'm making it

by Nadia's Mom

Thu, 28 May 1998

My husband and I lost our first child, March 6, 1998, to a cord accident. These have been the longest, hardest months of my entire life. But here I am--I'm making it. One thing that has helped me is reading everyone's story on this site. It has made me feel less alone with each tear I've shed over your stories. I hope and pray that you are all doing well and that you're keeping your children's memories close to your hearts.

My husband and I had been married several years when we decided to start our family. I even quit my job as a veterinarian's assistant, because of the radiation risk from x-raying injured animals. It took us a year, but once I was pregnant, everything went well. I ate well, saw my ob/gyn regularly, walked with my dogs every day, and took plenty of naps. My husband even gave up smoking, though he was never in the habit of smoking around me.

We were very happy with our soon-to-be roles of Mom and Dad, and did plenty of shopping together--taking our time to look over and test car seats, and trying to decide if we really needed a Diaper Genie. My mother and I had fun putting together the nursery, with Classic Winnie-the-Pooh. This was going to be her first grandchild, so she did lots of sewing, crocheting, and plan-making.

The baby's due date was quickly approaching, and I was starting my once-a-week visits to the doctor. During this time I was beginning to have some dental problems, so I called my dentist's office to make an appointment for mid-April. The receptionist, knowing I was pregnant and due to deliver anytime, started to tell me about someone in her office that had recently lost a baby to a cord accident. She went through every detail, and when I got off the phone I couldn't believe someone could be so tactless. And I felt sorry for the young woman that had lost her child. I just couldn't imagine how she must feel.

I started to wonder if the baby was moving enough. But after looking through my pregnancy books, I thought the baby must be slowing down to get ready for delivery. I also thought this paranoia was due to the story I had just heard. Even my mother and husband kept reassuring me that everything was fine.

That Thursday, I went in for my regular appointment and mentioned to the doctor that the baby hadn't moved much for a few days. Then, when he and the nurse ran the doppler over my abdomen 15 minutes, I just didn't want to believe that my paranoid feelings had been correct. I cried for a few minutes while they made an appointment for me to go to the hospital for an ultrasound. The doctor even went with me, so I wouldn't have to be alone. He kept saying maybe the baby was in a weird position. But the baby had died. I just couldn't believe this was happening.

After paging my husband, he rushed to the doctor's office. The doctor broke his heart when he broke the news. After some debate with the doctor, we decided to start inducing labor that evening. The nurses kept checking on us all night long to make sure that both my husband and I were as comfy as possible and to answer any questions. The staff was truly wonderful.

The next day, at 1:45 pm, our beautiful daughter was born. She was perfect in every way, with my dark hair and my husband's little dimple chin. We named her Nadia Alexandra. Nadia was a name I had loved for years and had saved for a special little girl. It fit her perfectly.

Nadia is buried near our home, where we go to visit her grave regularly. I take her fresh flowers as often as possible. When she first died, all the daffodils were in bloom and we kept her grave covered in them.

We've kept the nursery intact. It's funny, because when I found out our baby had died, the first thing I wanted to do was take it apart. But now I find solace there. I rock her Winnie-the-Pooh in my arms and imagine how she would had felt instead.

I have her picture by my bedside. Several people have mentioned wanting to see a picture of her, but I still want to keep her to myself. I look at her beautiful face every night before I go to sleep.

Please feel free to e-mail me: sse68@hotmail.com