Forever In My Heart

by Justina Hwong

9/20/99

I first found out I was pregnant on Dec. 20/98. I was in a state of shock. I thought to myself what a horrible Christmas this was going to be. I was only 21 and although my fiancé and I had been together over 5 years, our relationship was no longer stable. And when I told him later that day, he wasn't exactly thrilled but he accepted it.

The very next morning, I woke up and I started bleeding-and it was dark blood. I was so scared I went straight to my doctor. She told me that I was probably going to miscarry. When I left the doctor's office, I started to cry. I was so confused. I had just found out the day before that I was pregnant, and now I was being told that I was going to lose it. And that's when it hit me that I WANTED this baby.

I was sent for an ultrasound that same day and the tech told me that everything looked okay so far, and that I was four weeks pregnant. But I still had to wait and see-there was a chance I would still miscarry. I was scheduled for another ultrasound in two weeks-if I could make it that long.

Two weeks passed and there had been no more bleeding during that period. When I went for my second ultrasound at six weeks, the tech showed me the sac and the small living thing that was in it. And she told me that there was a fetal heartbeat. I was so relieved and completely overjoyed.

Now that I knew I was okay, I was very excited. I was finally going to be a mommy. I had always wanted a baby and now it was finally going to happen. Even my fiancé seemed a little excited. We started to talk about how we would make all this work and we even came up with a girl's and a boy's name for the baby. I named the baby Madison because in my heart, I knew it was a girl. This was also the time when the morning sickness and the fatigue started to kick in for me. I was actually starting to "feel" pregnant. I was really happy. I felt my life was finally going to have some meaning to it.

Then on Sunday, February 7, 1999, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and I was spotting. I freaked out. And to make it worse, my fiancé hadn't come home that night. This is not unusual to me, and I have to admit, he really wasn't there for me very much. So I ended up driving myself to the hospital, and after spending 8 hours in the emergency ward, I was told that I looked okay but I should still go see my doctor to be sure. I was eleven weeks at this point. I was sent for another ultrasound on Tuesday, and that's when my heart broke. The tech told me that the sac was empty. I didn't know how else to react except to cry. I was also angry because I did everything that I was supposed to do. I ended up having a D&C done the next day. Any trace of my being pregnant was now gone.