Peanut is gone

by Hope

Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000

After 6 weeks, I finally had the courage to seek support for my loss. It's so sad to know so many others have experienced this tragedy. Yet, it's a comfort knowing you're not alone in your grief.

In the beginning of March, my husband and I went to a scheduled appointment to hear the heartbeat of our baby, who we called Peanut. We did not plan on learning the sex of the baby until birth and somehow, this is the nickname we used. After 15 weeks of carrying our baby, and both seeing and hearing the heartbeat twice, the doctor uttered those words that I now hear every day upon waking, "There is no heartbeat."

The next day, labor was induced and I delivered the baby, which was then sent off for genetic testing. Since I am 36 and my husband is 37, the doctor recommended these tests. This was also our second pregnancy, the first one being an ectopic, which also resulted in one of my tubes becoming blocked. Preliminary tests did show the baby had a cleft lip and palate.

For the next several weeks, we mourned our loss, but kept hoping the tests would give us some answers, some explanation for why this horrific event would happen.

Unfortunately, the tests could not be run because the lab could not get the cultures to grow to do the tests. I was told that this is not an uncommon event, which brought no comfort at all, only more grief and guilt.

So we're left with no answers.

We have been trying to have a baby for almost 6 years now. We were under the care of a fertility specialist when we got pregnant. However, the month we conceived, I was not taking fertility drugs or undertaking any other procedures. The doctor had detected some polyps, so he decided to give me the month off.

Anyway, unbeknownst to me, I became pregnant. Since it was early December, we went to a couple Christmas parties, where I drank more than I should have. Now, all I can think is that I caused the death of my baby.

My doctor tells me that this is highly unlikely, but she was only being honest when she told me she couldn't rule it out with 100% certainty.

I guess I'm just looking for ways to get past this. I need to deal with the guilt I'm feeling, which is becoming overwhelming to me. I've already asked for my husband's forgiveness. Of course, he tells me it's not my fault, but that he forgives me nonetheless.

If anyone has any ideas or thoughts for me, please let me know. If not, just say a prayer for us as I do for all the broken-hearted souls out there.

Thanks for letting me tell my story.