The emotional healing is just beginning

by I. Hoffman

Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999

I just miscarried at 12 weeks. I thought for sure I was in the clear with my baby but I guess that's why the doctors tell you to give it to 14 weeks to breathe the sigh of relief.

At 7 weeks, I had a sonogram done. We saw the baby's heartbeat and lots of movement. Everything was going well. Last week (beginning of the 12 week), I had another sonogram done after I told my doctor about some spotting. To my horror, the sonogram showed no heartbeat and no movement. The fetus had died in my womb.

Other than the little spotting I had, there were no symptoms. But then this past weekend, (just before my 13th week) I started having severe contractions, my water broke and the heavy bleeding began. It was so intense and it happened it the middle of the night, that I had to go to the emergency room. I was given morphine for the pain and I passed most of the fetal tissue. The doctor did a pelvic exam and was able to get the rest of the tissue out.

Another sonogram in the hospital revealed that all the tissue had passed and a d&c was not necessary. I was sent home and told to get plenty of bed rest for 2 days.

The physical trauma is over with but the emotional healing is just beginning. I never knew what it was like to suffer such a tremendous loss since this was my first pregnancy. What's worse, it happened at 12 weeks. Most people I know have miscarried at 6-8 weeks. But now I know the grief other moms like myself feel in losing a baby. I was looking forward to my baby like I've never looked forward to something in my life. We had names picked out. We talked about places we would go and laughed about the many diapers we would change.

I know I can try again in a couple of months. I'm young and very healthy. But, this really is a loss. I mourn for my baby everyday and always ask "what if..." I felt the strongest bond between my baby and myself and I really miss her/him.

Thanks for allowing me to tell my story.