How wrong I was

by Belinda Helser

Date: Sun, 01 Nov 1998

The last letter that I wrote here I said good bye to my son Austin Cody Helser. And I thought that it made it all better. How wrong a person can be. I have not went through one day without thinking of my son. And just the other day it was all slammed right back at me with the death of my great nephew John Robert Anthony Graves Jr. he was 5 months old and died on October 28, 1998. I thought that I was dealing with my grief and that life was looking up, I had finally decided to have another baby. I had gotten to the point where I thought that I could handle it. And now I just don't know what to feel, My baby is due in April and I'm scared to death, How will I ever get through the days and nights of it's first year, not know if it will wake up when it goes to sleep. When my nephew died I felt the terrible pain all over again and this time it doubled now instead of one baby in my dreams I see 3. I see my son, my nephew , and I see my new baby but I can't see what happens to it.

And now I have people telling me basically that I couldn't have loved my son enough for it to have hurt to bury him because he was only 3 weeks and 2 days old when he died. And that at 5 months old my niece must be devastated because she had more time to love her son. I don't understand this, I love my son very much and always will and the pain from his death will always haunt me. How can they say this ? How do they know what the pain feels like ?

I feel so lost right now I don't know what to say or do and how do I tell people that the death of a child be it in the womb or at the age of 90 is real and lasting and that you never get over that pain. I have a daughter 7 and a son 3 and people ask if it would hurt more to loose them then it did Austin and I tell them no, but there I was wrong yes it would hurt more because then I would have 2 babies dead and the pain would be doubled. But it would be the same type of mind wrenching pain that I feel for my son right now and that I feel for my great nephew.

I feel that if a person doesn't know what they are talking about that they should keep their opinions to their self. But I guess that would be in a better world then this, if that were to happen because people in this world don't think about the person that they are going to hurt by their careless words.

And to all you parents out there that have felt this pain My love to you all, and may your little angles be with you always in all that you do.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
Belinda Helser
vhelser@infoave.net