There IS hope

by Michele Hefter

Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999

My name is Michele. I would finally like to tell my story.

When I first got pregnant I was ecstatic!! We were so happy and kind of surprised - it happened the first month of trying. I conceived in August of 1995. Went to the doctor and everything was going good. Then at 8 weeks along all of the sudden I started bleeding and cramping. I was told to go home and put my feet up. If I was to miscarry they couldn't do anything about it. Miscarriage wasn't in my vocabulary at that point. I miscarried that night at home. It was Oct. 24 of 95. It was just horrible knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent this from happening. The doctor told us there was no reason - unexplainable. These things just happen!! No they don't! So we wanted to get pregnant right away. Well it happened 6 months later. Went to doctor as soon as I suspected I was pregnant. They confirmed and again everything was going fine. The doctor did not want to do testing since everything was fine on this one. I passed the 8 week mark and I breathed a sigh of relief. So they scheduled an ultrasound at 10 weeks to make sure things were going the way they should be. My husband couldn't go so my Mom came with me. I wanted someone to be there when I saw my baby for the first time. We went in and the tech told me what we were looking for etc.

Then his face got a strange look on it and he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I lay looking at the screen - not knowing what I'm supposed to be looking for. But I noticed there was nothing! No movement - Not that little flashing spot that was supposed to be the heartbeat. Then he called my doctor and he came down. He broke the bad news to me and my Mom. I lost it. I couldn't believe this was happening AGAIN! It just wasn't fair. Thank goodness my Mom was there to ask questions because I just sat there and cried. Not knowing what else to do. At this point there was no signs of miscarriage. No spotting or cramping. I had to decide to have a D&C or let nature take it's course. I chose the D&C. I needed it out of me. It was hard enough knowing I again wouldn't have a child. After this happened I put all my energy into my new nephew. He was born at 1lb. 8oz. and 12 inches long. I just wished I could've held on so my babies would've at least had a chance.

The hospital told me to expect my period in 4-6 weeks. I waited and waited. Nothing happened. I truly thought the surgery had wrecked my insides. They make you sign a form saying they can cause damage to your uterus and such. So after waiting until my 7th week I called the doctor. They said I needed a pregnancy test. I assured them that I was not pregnant. We only had sex once and it was protected. But they said the doctor wouldn't see me until I had the test. So I said I'd wait. I went out and bought a home pregnancy test. I was so sure I wasn't I threw out the stick without even looking at it. The garbage was full and the stick fell out of the box. That's when I saw 2 lines!!!! I was pregnant! I wasn't sure how to feel. I immediately called the doctors office and set up an appointment. They did some testing and found out that I don't make enough progesterone. So I needed to be supplemented.

Things went well. Finally at the 12 week we heard and saw the heartbeat. So we started telling people. At 14 weeks I woke up and there was blood everywhere. I just screamed. This couldn't be happening - we already seen the heartbeat! We were told to come in the next morning to his office. I was carrying what I thought to be my baby in a cup. The doctor didn't think there was enough tissue there to be a baby. So we did an emergency ultrasound. And here the baby was looking right at me and waving the little hand at me!! I was crying again. They sent the tissue into the lab and found out that it was a baby. I was pregnant with twins and I lost the one, but not the other!! So I was sad, but yet really happy I was still pregnant! It was a long and hard pregnancy. There was only 2 months that I wasn't in the doctors every other day or in the hospital. At 29 weeks along my water started leaking. They told me I was in labor. I was so scared. I was put in the hospital and on bed rest. The leak was up high and eventually sealed itself! But during this time they found out I had Group B Strep. It's a bacterial infection that can kill the baby. They didn't know if the infection got into the bad of waters or not. So for the next 3 months they told me to expect a stillborn. But on February 13th 1997 I delivered a healthy 7lb 12 oz baby boy! They induced me 3 weeks early to make sure they got him out while he was still living. He needed to be put on oxygen right away and was taken out of the room. We had to stay an extra night because he needed antibiotics. But took him home at 2 days old and never let him go. He was truly my miracle child.

I was nursing my son Luke and got pregnant when he was 3 months old. I was shocked, but happy. Until 8 weeks along I again miscarried. That miscarriage made me want a child so bad. I loved the one I had dearly, but needed another. We had always wanted a big family. We would like 3 or 4 kids. It doesn't seem that we will. So when Luke was 8 months old we got pregnant. They would be 15 months apart. I was being supplemented on progesterone and all was going well. The heartbeat was strong every time. At 13 1/2 weeks I started spotting. I called the doctor - who was gone at a seminar. He was taking his board exams. So I saw his partner. He checked me out and said there was no problem. That 50% of all pregnancies spot at some point. Well the spotting continued. Went back again. Then he put me into the hospital thinking I had a incompetent cervix. I was released 4-5 hours later. They said that I didn't have that. I went to this doctor 4 times and every time was told to go home and put my feet up. I couldn't wait for my doctor to return.

My doctor returned on the following Thursday. He had me get another ultrasound. The baby was VERY active and had a strong heartbeat. The tech made a comment on how the baby would be a "wild" one. My doctor stayed with me through the ultrasound. Said that everything was ok. Go home. That was at 5:00pm. I started passing huge blood clots by 7:00. I called and again was told to stay home. That we just seen the baby and it was fine. Needless to say I delivered my baby into my hands at 10:05pm. It was a boy. I was 14 1/2 weeks along. He was moving when he came out. They say it was just nerves, but I believe he was born alive for that second. He was 4 1/2 inches long and weighed 1 oz. After I had him I called the doctor. He said "what now - I just talked with you". I told him I had the baby. He told me to go to the Emergency Room. I didn't care at that point. I just had my baby! He had 10 fingers and toes. Ears, nose, mouth, everything. We could tell at home that he was a boy. He was so perfect, just so so tiny. After losing Andrew I lost it completely. Everyone told me to look at what I had. Yes, I had a wonderful little boy at home, but he will not replace the boy I just lost. The hardest thing a parent can do is bury a child. It should be the other way around. We buried him and had a private service for our families. Without going into details my doctor became a total jerk. I ended up writing him up and he went in front of the board of directors. He blamed me for my loss. He said I was trying to make myself miscarry. Him of all people should know how much we wanted another child!! I don't smoke or drink and I try to eat healthier when I'm pregnant. I do everything by the book and this still happens.

I found a WONDERFUL specialist. She did testing on me which my other doctor refused. He said it was a waste of money that I was just having bad luck. Well the testing did show some fixable things. So we took care of them. I got pregnant in March of 98. Everything was going well. I had some spotting in the beginning of the pregnancy, but it turned out ok. I knew it was going to be a rough pregnancy from the beginning. Then we moved and I had to switch doctors in the middle of my pregnancy. I was terrified. But I found a wonderful new doctor and hospital. The end of my pregnancy was very difficult for me. It was the 1 year anniversary of Andrews death and I was having horrible nightmares that this baby was not going to be born alive if I went full term. Everyone just said I was being silly and that it was nerves. I delivered 2 1/2 weeks early on my own. It was hard having her only 2 weeks after Andrew's "day". I had a healthy 8lb baby girl! I now have one of each. I was right though - call it mother's intuition. Due to circumstances surrounding her and the birth. We don't think she would've made it if I would've went full term. We are so blessed for her to be with us.

We have traveled a long and bumpy road. But now we have 2 beautiful children. So please DON'T give up!! Miracles do happen. My kids are proof of that. We would love more children, but I don't know if I can emotionally handle another pregnancy. And then my wonderful husband would have to put up with me again! I thank him for all the support he has given me. He's not always on the same level or grieving and such and I had a problem with that. But men and women are so different in those ways. Please keep faith and there is hope. Look what I went through to get what I got. I wouldn't trade it for the world. And I'd do it all over again! I'm sorry this story is so long! Thanks for taking the time to read it! Please feel free to e-mail me. I would love to here from you if you're going through something similar or have already gone through it. I still have my bad days. I will never forget my children that are in heaven!

My e-mail address is mhefter@execpc.com