Five Years Old our Precious Alauna Should Be

by Pamela Gay
momieof5@yahoo.com

Date: Tue, 28 May 2002

First I want to thank the people who make this SIDS Network support possible. For the last five years I have been able to come here and read others stories and add my own. Thank you all who make it possible.

Today is now May 28, 2002 and our precious little angel Alauna Jean would be turning five years old. So hard to believe that five years has passed. The pain is still there and I believe always will be. So hard to know that she would be starting kindergarten in the fall. Another milestone we will miss with her. This year has been so hard. Not that every year hasn't been, but this year is harder than even last year. This is due to the fact that a few weeks ago I was suspecting that I was pregnant. We were not trying and were not planning on any more children (we have had five, two before Alauna and two more after Alauna). Anyway, I took two tests and they were positive. I was a bit shocked but also excited. Even though we were not planning on more after you lose a child you cherish the ones you have even more than you did before. Well I had not gone to the doctor yet but by my calculations I was about 6 to 8 week s along. Well a week after the positive tests I started bleeding and suffered a miscarriage. So once again the feelings of loss, guilt and anger assault me. Did I not want the baby bad enough? Did I do something wrong? I know I did not but I still cant help feeling this way. And why the heck did it have to happen this month????? Like this month is not hard enough with Alauna's birthday? I just feel so angry, sad, and frustrated sometimes. IT is just so hard. I miss Alauna soooo much and would love to be able to have and hold her again. I just want to wish her a Happy 5th Birthday and I look forward to the day we will all be reunited in Heaven. We love you Alauna Jean our little jellybean.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Makayla, Talia, Ciarra, and Matthew