2 Years and My Heart Still Bleeds.....I Love You Alauna Jean

by Pam Gay

Date: Sat, 10 Jul 1999

July 15, 1999 is the 2nd anniversary of my darling baby girl's death from SIDS. Does the pain ever go away? It is so hard to believe it has been almost 2 yrs. Some days if feels like it was just yesterday and others like it was a lifetime ago. My heart still aches for the loss of my darling little baby. The thoughts of what she would look like, the trouble she would be getting into as a 2 yr. old consumes me some days. It is so hard somedays when I see a 2 yr old and know that is the age Alauna would be. When I hear parents complain about the terrible 2's and the potty training horrors my heart bleeds. Do they not know how lucky they are to have a 2 yr old to keep out of mischief and to try to potty train? To hear them trying new words and give you big sloppy kisses? I would love to be able to hold and kiss and cuddle Alauna. I would love for my other 3 daughters and my son on the way to be able to know, play, and even fight with her but that is not to be since she is being raised in Heaven.

It is so hard as time passes because no one mentions Alauna anymore. SHE WAS HERE AND DESERVES TO BE REMEMBERED. But as most of us know who have lost a child as time passes fewer and fewer people mention our precious babies. I doubt my family will even call on July 15 and ask how I am doing because I think they feel if they don't mention "IT" maybe I won't be as sad. They don't understand that her birthday and anniversary is such a hard and painful day and I would like to have someone let me know they are missing her and remembering her too. It is true that as time passes I am healing but on those days it is like it just happened and the horror of it all comes rushing back. And the WHY's. Why did my beautiful healthy baby who was so happy and cheerful the night before "IT" happened have to die? There was no warning no signs no nothing. She did an itty bitty little giggle as her daddy and I played with her that night. Then she lay down to nurse and let go and looked up at me and gave me a toothless little grin and I said "Alauna Jean it is nite nite time" and she gave me one more huge grin and started nursing again. Those are my last images of her alive. The next morning she was gone. Just like that no warning no nothing. It is nite nite time were the last words I ever spoke to her alive. I meant it was nite nite time till morning not eternity. She was such an angel here on earth I guess she was too good and needed to be in Heaven. I love you so much Alauna and will always love and remember you. Hugs and kisses my precious baby.

Love Mommy

email pamandted@aol.com