Baby Hannah

by Christy McClure

We were expecting a little girl 8/12/96. Everything was "normal" so the Doctor said. I never had any morning sickness, although I did lose my appetite for the first 3 months, they said that was "normal". Every visit to the Dr., every test the ran was "normal". They did the ultra sound around the 3rd month and it was perfect. We had a very active healthy baby girl. Although I did not feel her move around until the 5th month they said that was "normal".

My best friend since we were 2 was also pregnant due a month before me. She had a few complications so compared to me I KNEW nothing could go wrong. The thought of losing my baby was out of the question. (Although a few times when I was doing various things around the house the thought did run across my mind but I immediately denied the thought.) A lady I work with was also pregnant and due on the same week I was so it was even more exciting to have someone else to discuss the changes we were going through. That lady had a few complications so again I felt I must be doing great (no problems yet).

This was my first baby and the first Grandbaby on my side of the family so she was so very special to the whole family. There were lots of plans for her, lots of love waiting for her. My mother already had made the curtains, blankets, everything for the crib. I bought pretty dresses every time I went to a store. I would get the dresses out and decide on which one to bring her home in and cry because I just could not wait. Because I worked, I already had daycare arranged for her. My mother was going to keep her every day so that all her "firsts" would be shared by someone who cared instead of a stranger. Everything was Picture Perfect! Until the last week in April, I had only started feeling her move around a few weeks before and it had slowed down. I read that it was normal to go a day or two without a lot of activity but still in the back of my mind I knew something was wrong. On May 2, I called the Dr. and they again told me that's "normal" so they told me to go home and lay down after a meal and time the movements for 30 minutes. I felt nothing. I didn't sleep all night! The next morning I went to their office first thing and again they said we will monitor you but its probably nothing. They didn't get a heartbeat at first and finally heard one, I got excited, but it was my heart beating. Again, not to put me in a panic they said it's might not be anything so they sent me to get an Ultra sound. The nurse doing the U.S. would not say anything, but the look on her face said it all. It seemed like we were there for days and all my husband and I could do was cry.

When I got back to the Dr.'s office I saw a note on the wall that said, "McClure, fetal demise". When he explained it to us and gave us our options all I could think was lets get this over ASAP. I was in shock. First thing the next morning we went to the hospital and they induced labor (7:00 am 5/4/96). She was finally born 6:30 am 5/5/96. I asked the nurse right before she came what she would look like and she tried to describe it but she did not know. When she was born I was in such shock and under lots of medication that I couldn't hold her. My husband was so hurt he couldn't either. I wish we had but everything happened so fast there was no time to think about it until it was all over. The Dr. said other than the umbilical cord being rather short everything appeared "normal". They ran a few tests and since she had been gone for days they couldn't find anything. So I guess they just marked us up as one of those rare loses and since we were young we could have others and it probably not happen again. (That's not as comforting as it sounds). Thoughts still go on and on in my mind of what I might have done to lose her or what I could have done to prevent it. And even to this day when someone says "that's normal" I want to tell them just how "normal" normal is not!

We planned a small burial for her the next day just for a few family members but as it turned out lots of caring co workers and friends showed up. That made me feel better than any words could possibly do. Now that it is over I wish we hadn't rushed everything so that I could have had a few more days to carry her before I had to say good-bye.

Anyway, that's my story, sorry I made it so long but its the first time I actually told the whole story so once I got started it i couldn't stop. Thanks for listening.