My Baby

by Vicki Fitch

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999

A friend of mine told me about your website to comfort me in the strangest time of need. One week ago today, I got the shock of a lifetime. I went in for my 4 month visit and the doctor was in emergency surgery. The nurse asked if I was having any problems and I told her "No, as a matter of fact, I feel GREAT!" I was about to find out why...

My first pregnancy, I was sick all day, every day for nine months, but it was "normal" pregnancy issues. Nausea, vomiting, etc. but no physical ailments. This pregnancy was different. I started my period with this one and stopped after a couple of hours so two days later I took the pregnancy test, which showed no result (both spots were blank), so I thought I must not be pregnant. The next day I was so tired and dizzy that I thought I should try again, so the following morning, I did, and I was. I was so excited that my 3 year old Zachariah and I called everyone we knew to tell them the "secret". Zach told everyone. "My mommy is having a baby!" I had no complications the first time so there seemed no reason to procrastinate telling the world. I know wish I had rethought that and understand why people often wait to announce the pregnancy. I called the doctor immediately to report that I was pregnant and had been bleeding. Upon the examination, he found several cysts in my body so he scheduled a vaginal ultrasound to confirm the viability of the pregnancy. The test was inconclusive so we had to come back the next morning for another blood test to check the HCG levels and the following day for another ultrasound to rule out a tubal pregnancy. After all this waiting, we found out that everything was alright.. at least for the moment. I went through the next 7 weeks sick everyday, sometimes not able to get out of bed but thankful for the sickness because I knew that meant the baby was OK. But I felt like something was wrong. My body felt, "toxic" that was the only way for me to describe it to the doctor. I wasn't just sick, my body hurt. I refused to get attached to the pregnancy because everytime I went to the bathroom I expected to see blood. It never came.

On my 3 month visit, we heard the heartbeat and the doctor said everything was now fine, I could relax. He said that it is very often that women stop feeling sick around this time so that relief might be just around the corner. Three days later, I started feeling great. I could get up and eat instead of having something delivered to me in bed everyday or those famous saltine cracker breakfasts just to roll over. I was able to get up and do some work, talk on the phone, etc. I thought, this must be a 'girl' because things are happening so differently. Three weeks from my 3 month visit, I went in for a regular check up (15 weeks) and the doctor as I explained was in emergency surgery. The nurse took me in for my vitals and couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. My heart dropped and tears formed in my eyes as the next nurse came in with another Doppler and also couldn't find it. My husband and 3 year old son were with me and tried to comfort me, but I was scared. The emergency ultrasound showed the saddest most shriveled up fetus I could imagine and I burst into tears. WHY??? Why hadn't I lost it in the beginning when I wasn't attached? Why? My 3 year old understood and started sobbing uncontrollably. Saying "I want THAT baby mommy not another one" and "You promised me the baby would come out someday mommy." My heart was torn apart, my baby was dead.

The doctor gave me the option to try and let my body dispose of it naturally but said it probably wouldn't because it hadn't yet. They scheduled another "confirmation" ultrasound the next day Wednesday and a D&C for Thursday. The second ultrasound was almost worse than the first because it gave us that glimmer of hope that there was a mistake even though common sense told us otherwise, it was still there and the tears flowed steadily during the entire procedure. The doctor was very sympathetic and reminded us that the baby was in "auto-pilot" and that there was nothing I could have done. I of course was asking all those questions... did I do something, eat something, not eat enough.... but he said no. God causes the body to abort things naturally when things are wrong. Although I had to deal with this pain, the pain I may have felt otherwise could have been more than I could handle. So while these images are still fresh in my mind and my grief is still fresh, I am eager to remember and share that there is a reason for everything in God's perfect plan and we should not question it we should accept it and get help dealing with it so we don't hold on to bitter things but on to the love that is waiting for us beyond the tears.

I don't think I will ever forget, but I know someday I will have peace.