My story about my stillborn

by Elizabeth

Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998

I would like to put my story about my stillborn on your First Person page. I have read all of these and now feel I should put mine up here. It has been almost 6yrs, but I remember it as if it were yesterday. Let me start from the beginning.

I had just gotten married and my husband Jerry wanted to start our family right away. I was nervous, because I had already had 2 miscarriages. He had a daughter from a previous marriage and wanted a big family. So I agreed & in Aug we started trying and in Sept I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy & nervous at the same time. My sister was pregnant with her 2nd child also, I was due May 17,1993 and she was due in Feb. We were real close and called each other after each appointment. Well, on my husbands birthday Sept 22 we went to the park with his family to have a picnic and I started spotting when we got home. At first I thought maybe my test was wrong, I didn't go to the DR yet to confirm it. So I went to the ER & they took a blood test & said yes I was pregnant. They then took an ultrasound & it was fine. It was so little & small and its heart was just beating away. Then I went to my 1st DR's appt on my birthday Oct 7. He examined me & everything looked good he said that to come back on Oct 20 for an ultrasound. I was so happy. In the meantime my sister had just found out she was having a boy. I told her that I had a feeling that I was having a boy too, she smiled and said that would be great we could dress them alike. We couldn't wait. Oct 20 came & I was getting really nervous to look at the screen but as the cold jelly went on their it was at 10wks & 2 days just be-boppin around. I hadn't even gained an ounce I was worried. I was so thin & thought for sure I would see some sign of my pregnancy by now but the DR said not to worry you will. My pregnancy was great. I had only gotten sick 1 time. My Nov check up went fine & I got to hear his heartbeat on the Doppler. I was so excited. But I only gained 1lb and still was not showing but the DR said "don't worry you are lucky." And I asked when would I start feeling movement? He said it varies just to be patient. Well, on Dec 15 my husband's cousin's baby died of SIDS. He was only 4 months old. I felt so sorry for her I remember thinking I don't know what I would do if my baby died. And on Dec 17 I had to go to the DR's for an ultrasound I didn't know if I should go or stay with her but everyone told me to go. Jerry had to go to work later that day & wanted to sleep in as we were so exhausted from being at his family's house to support them & him working so I took a friend as I was use to because he could never make my appts because of his work hours. I was so excited to get to see my baby again it had gotten so big it was just moving around I was 19wks the tech said would you like to know the sex? I said yes please! She said it's a boy! I just about fell off I was so happy. Then the DR came in & checked me & I told him I had only felt the baby twice. He said, "Well maybe you are just not noticing it, because his heartbeat is 160bpm & he is fine in the US." I thought well OK I am just being impatient and just wanted to rush home & tell Jerry and call my sis with the good news. When I got there he was just waking up & I said guess what it is? He says a girl. I said nope a boy and showed him the picture. He was so happy. I called my sis & she said wow that is great. We just couldn't wait for them both to be here. We then started picking out names & I told Jerry that I wanted him to be a Jr. He was so thrilled he agreed.

In Jan my perfect pregnancy was getting irritating. I kept getting yeast infections to where my private area swelled up and felt as if I was leaking something but the DR said no it is just the yeast infection and now I was 22 wks & the baby still didn't move much. He gets the heartbeat & says it's still 160bpm everything is fine. He never did a stress test or even test to see if that was my water leaking. And I never asked because I thought he is the DR he knows what he is doing. The whole month of Jan I was in & out of the ER for those same 2 reasons and still no tests and the same answer always. So I just thought I must be paranoid my sister's pregnancy is fine and she isn't having these problems. On Jan 29 for the last time I went to the ER for real bad pains in my abdomen they take his heartbeat & said I was having small contractions she gave me a shot to stop them and sent me home. Me being so young & naive I never thought why aren't I up in labor & delivery ward I am 6 months now. But I didn't know how they worked then my DR never told me to go to the labor ward after 20wks, in fact he never told me anything. Well, my yeast infection was clearing up and I was still not showing and now it is Tuesday Feb 9.1993. My worst nightmare!

I had a regular DR's appt and Jerry didn't hafto be at work till late that day so he went with me. This would be his 1st time going with me and I remember thinking I would love to get a US today so he could see our baby. We get there & the nurse weighs me. I only gained a total of 4lbs now and I am 26wks & 6days. The nurse smiles at me and says, "you are a lucky one." So we are off to the room & the DR comes in and finally gets to meet Jerry, they introduce theirself's & he gets the Doppler out on my belly & nothing. He searches & asks me where he got it last time & I showed him. He then says well he must be moving around near your back. I said I don't know I never can feel him move. He try's to lighten things up & says well lets go see the little guy on the screen. I am not even thinking anything's wrong at this moment. I thought there is no way I can lose a baby this far, I am past that magical 12th week mark. So, we are in the room & the DR walks out leaving the Tech to check it out. She is very quiet. She then walks out leaving me and Jerry just starring at the screen. As the DR walks back in with her he says I am sorry he is gone. I just went nuts when I actually heard it even though by that time I knew deep down. He takes us to his office and tells us how we hafto deliver him. And told us to go home and he will call us when it is time for us to go to the hospital. We get home and the phone is ringing, I knew who it was. Jerry hands me the phone and I hear my sister say "So how'd it go"? I just couldn't do it I cried and the phone fell, so Jerry told her & she screamed & hung up. My dad then calls wanting to know what is going on, so Jerry told him. I then looked at Jerry and told him to call the DR and tell him that I want to have the baby now I can't keep him inside me knowing he is gone. The DR told us to go to the hospital at 3pm. In the meantime, I get cleaned up & Jerry calls his work and his mom. And then I had my dad to call my mom at work to have her with me at the hospital because I needed her. We get there to the hospital and I ask the nurse to try to get his heartbeat one last time please. She tried & tried and was willing to get another machine but I told her I was sure now that not to worry about it. She put the suppository in me at 3:25pm & told us it could be 12 hrs before I had him. So Jerry went home to put up his crib and some of his things up. By 3:35pm I was already having bad pains so the nurse gave me a shot of Demerol & my mom got there and I just grabbed her and hugged her and cried on her shoulder. Then the shot started working and I was getting groggy & kept dozing off. Then around 4:25pm I thought I had to go to the bathroom, so the nurse gets a bed pan & makes everyone leaves except my mom. Well, it was my water that broke and I was so out of it I didn't even know it. I just thought I went potty on myself. My mom & the nurse delivered him at 4:38pm. He weighed 1lb 9 3/4ounces 12 inches long. I didn't wake up until 7pm. They brought him to me and I held him just starring at him, He was so beautiful and small. So perfect looking. He had dark hair and his mouth was open. Then Jerry held him & he just broke down in tears. He checked him out real good too. They took 1 pic of him with me holding him, his footprints, a nun made him an outfit with a matching blanket and 2 roses (1 to bury him with & 1 for me to keep), and they made him a beaded bracelet with his name on it. Jerry, Jr. We had his funeral on Feb 11 it was so cold and my mild had came in & I could barely look at the little white marble casket. My sister had her baby Matthew on Feb12. It was so hard for me at first but he was so cute and I was happy for her. We had an autopsy done and found out that I had a rare infection called choromionitis which I was leaking some fluid that's how I got the infection & also with my yeast infection.

I think of him everyday. Even though it's been almost 6yrs. I am sorry this is so long but I felt good to tell it.

Please email me anytime at Dizmoliz@aol.com

Thank you,
Elizabeth