Complete Despair

by Colleen R.

Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998

Maybe it is too early for me to be writing, but I have such a complete feeling of despair, I feel like I am the one who has passed on.

My husband and I started trying to get pregnant in the beginning of July. Low and behold I had conceived and it was confirmed by the end of July. Great we were all so excited. This baby would be my second and my husband's third. My first pregnancy was uneventful. I felt great and there was always a certain energy running through my veins. This time it did not feel the same it was just another day. I chalked my lack of feelings up to the fact that I was under a lot of pressure. Boy was I wrong.

I went to my first appointment in the beginning of September and I was about 10 weeks along. I asked my doctor if we could try to hear the heartbeat, and so we tried. But it was too early. We would try again next time.

For the next month I ran around town, saying how uneventful my pregnancy was and how I felt just find. Feeling guilty for not having any morning sickness when my sister in-law was going through horrible bouts of sickness. But my pregnancy was just perfect. Just like the first one.

October 12, finally came and we decided to bring my 7 yr. old daughter with so she could share in the excitement. I gained one pound but that was normal for me. It was finally time to hear the heartbeat. But the doctor could not find it. It is probably just not in the right place. So we went to an external ultrasound as I watched on the screen tears started to bead down my check, I watched as the doctor ushered my daughter out of the room, as we were going to do an internal ultra sound. My husband held my hand and wiped my tears away and as the baby came up on the screen again, there still was no pulsing on the monitor, no movement, no heartbeat, no way to go on. I knew then my "perfect pregnancy" was gone.

It turns out that our baby died 6 weeks earlier, and I have been walking around a human tomb. There was no grieving when it happened, I neither got to say hello and or goodbye, our baby was just here one second and gone the next.

I am scheduled for a D & C tomorrow, but today I feel nothing but sadness. I thank God for a loving husband, and I pray that our unborn child that never had a chance is in a good place. Please say a pray for all those little angels that never had the chance to be perfect.

Sincerely,

Colleen R.
Brodhead, WI