Renae Anne

"April 6, 1996 would have been our little girl's, Renae Anne, 10th birthday." - Sandy Colby

reprinted with permission

Hi, My name is Sandy, and I'm Dan Colby's wife. He's written here before and I have not. I'm glad that there is a support network out here for parents, family members, and close friends that have been affected one way or another because of SIDS. How grateful I am that we have built up a support network around us [w/in our friends & church]. Thank you for the beautiful ideas and precious stories that you all have shared. I've only read about 20 so far, but needed to 'talk' to somebody today, since this seems to be a hard one for me today.

April 6, 1996 would have been our little girl's, Renae Anne, 10th birthday. It's really bothering me, and there's such a rip in my heart today. It's a hard thing to miss someone so much! It feels like a BIG hole in my heart. It isn't that I'm ungrateful for the children that we have that are alive and well: Stephan Kristoffer 3/28/83; Isaac Matthew 11/7/88; and Olivia Joy 10/28/91. It's just that while we were on a 'Moses Walk' [follow the guy with the flashlight that's leading the way] the other night with these three, I was painfully aware that 2 other children should have been there, Renae and Baby Joseph (a baby that I miscarried 12/7/93).

Renae's birthday has come and gone before sometimes with sadness, sometimes with joy in her memory. This time, though, my heart hurts and aches for my 'goopie goo'. Only one of my friends remembers Renae's birthday, and makes a point to make contact with me before it happens. (Others remember but don't reach out, maybe they don't know how or if they should) My friend, Claire, is my precious friend. She was due with her first baby on what would have been Renae's 1st birthday. She waited until the 8th to have her baby C-section, it was her way of sparing me the sting. What an act of kindness.

I know that grief is like the tides with its ebbs and flows, it's just feeling like high tide in my heart, and I don't want people to forget this precious little girl.

Renae was a wonderful child to care for, easy going nature and pure joy!! She was able to 'control' her daddy; with the tiniest sound of a stretch or yawn, he'd be up like a shot to her bed cooing and saying, "What's the matter, little goopie goo? You want your Mamma?". Yep, she had him wrapped around her tiny little finger. I could only imagine what she'd have him saying when she was 16.

When she died, we got a real (REAL) quick lesson in things that well meaning people say that are so horrible when said. People came out of the woodwork with their opinions of why Renae died. Someone said, "I always thought that she was TOO good of a baby." meaning that mentally something should have been wrong with our sweet girl. Another well meaning person said, "Don't be surprised when the autopsy comes back and shows that she had brain damage." The list of other remarks could fill another reply note, I'm sure that others can top what was said to me.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I wish that she were here. I wish that she were here for me to play with and do the 10 year old 'girl stuff' that she would be doing. I do things with Olivia, and she's the sparkle in my eyes. We had a tea party, and we both dressed up and used our very best manners, and made small talk. It was fun! I know that God has used each one of our children to bring me joy, for that I am grateful, I just am a Momma missing her little girl. Sorry for the rambling, like I said before, I just needed to talk with folks that have been there and are moving on. Thanks for 'listening' to my blathering.