Why?

by Cheryl

Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1998

My husband and I were expecting our fourth child, I was so happy and excited. One morning in bed my husband put his hand on my stomach where my uterus was and left it there, I remember thinking how wonderful this all was, how things were so great for us, and how at peace I was.

The next week my husband went away on business. Every time he goes away the car breaks, someone gets sick, etc. Everything was going so smoothly and I just knew that things were good.

One night I was getting ready for bed, I wiped and saw some brown, watery looking discharge. My knees went weak and my heart dropped to my stomach. I just knew my pregnancy was over. I called the nurse line for my insurance company and they told me as long as it was brown I was fine, but to call my doctor in the morning. I called my doctor in the morning and they sent me to the lab for an HCG test, they reassured me that since it was on and off spotting that everything was fine, if it turned bright red they would be concerned. I went to get my blood test and ran into an acquaintance, we talked for a moment and I felt a gush of blood, I excused myself and went to the bathroom and it was bright red blood. I went and got my lab test done and went home and cried. I called my husband and he came home from his trip. I passed the fetus a couple of hours later. I didn't know what to do with it, I wasn't instructed to keep it for the doctor and I just didn't know what to do with it. I was only about 6 weeks so it was only about half an inch long. I held it for a moment and thought that this was the only time I would hold this child. I sat there on the toilet holding it and told it that we loved it and always would and then I flushed it. Then I sat there and cried some more and thought of what would never be.

This was about 2.5 weeks ago. I am doing better now, but will never be as innocent as I was before. I think the only thing that would make me feel better is to be pregnant again. My friends ask why and I tell them, although it was early it was still a baby. We have hopes and dreams from the moment the pregnancy test says positive. It was a baby and we wanted it and it was taken from us and WE WANTED IT!!!!!! I hope nobody ever has to go through this heart wrenching experience to realize how wonderful and what a gift life is.