The blankie

by Lorna Charlton

I would love to hear from anyone, and listen to others if you would like to send me a message. My e-mail address is dltorrie@home.com

Update: 03 May 1999

23 Jul 1998

I miscarried my second baby on May 22, exactly two months ago, and as fate would have it, on the weekend of Mother's day. My story sounds so much like a lot of the others I have read. My periods have always been very regular so when I realized I was a week late, I knew I was pregnant. I never said anything to my husband I just went out and bought a home pregnancy test, took it and showed him the results. Positive!!! My husband looked from the test to me, and said "I guess we have a lot to do in the next few months."

We were both so happy, one of the first things I did was go to the storage room and get out all the books I bought on pregnancy, while I was pregnant with my son. We started talking about changing the house around. Moving our son to the third bedroom, making a nursery out of his room, as it is closer to our bedroom. I remembered how bored I was during the later stages of pregnancy with my son, so I asked a lady I work with if she could teach me to crochet, so I could have something to do. I went shopping for wool, making sure it was multi-colored so it was not gender sensitive, all the while making sure there was pink in it. I wanted a baby girl. I thought it would be the perfect little family, a little boy and a little girl. I put the wool aside for a while, because I wanted the first blanket I made to be special and perfect for my new baby. I practiced and practiced my stitches making sure they were just right. After a week of practicing I couldn't wait any longer, so I started the blanket. It was perfect, to me, because it was going to be the first gift for my baby.

Everything about this pregnancy was so similar to my first, the morning sickness, the tender breasts, that I was in no real hurray to go to the doctor. Three weeks after I took the home pregnancy test I got a bladder infection. I've had them before so I knew even before going to the doctor what it was. I went to the clinic where my doctor practiced out of, only to find she had moved. I couldn't wait to see her so I saw the doctor on call. I told her that I had taken a home pregnancy test, the result was positive and that I believed I had a bladder infection. She said she could do both tests at once, so she sent me to the lab and told me to come right back for the results. I did and she told me I was right on both counts. She said she could prescribe an anti-biotic for the infection, and I instantly asked if it would be ok to take the prescription being pregnant. She assured me I could that it would be safe. In many ways I felt really awkward taking this medication, I didn't want anything to hurt the baby, but since the doctor said it was alright I didn't feel so bad.

The bladder infection cleared up within a couple days and everything seemed to be going great. I continued to crochet the blankie at work and in my spare time. My husband and I were making plans for the new baby. How we would decorate the room, what color scheme, which cartoon character. I was already starting to show. I could no longer wear my jeans, or a lot of other pants. I had lent all my maternity clothes to a friend of mine, whose son is six months younger than my two year old. She lives about an hour away, so one day I decided to treat myself to a new maternity outfit. A pair of shorts and a new top. At first I thought I'd save wearing it for an upcoming birthday party my husband and I were invited to. It would be a sign to all of our friends that didn't already know, that yes we were pregnant again and delighted about it. I'm like a little kid though in many ways and I just had to wear my new outfit into work the next day. Everyone at work all ready knew I was pregnant, so it wasn't a surprise to anyone in the office.

Later that night at work, a couple co-workers and I were talking about the baby, about names etc.,when I felt a little gush. I got up from my desk and went straight for the washroom, hoping and praying I didn't feel what I thought I felt. There was a big spot of blood on my panties and I started to cry in the bathroom. I composed myself, a little, and immediately phoned my husband. I told him what had happened and he told me to be calm and to phone the hospital to find out what they had to say. I hung up with him and phoned the hospital. They told me it was probably nothing and to come in anyway just to be sure. I phoned my husband back told him everything they said and that I was on my way to the hospital. One of my co-workers came in at that moment, and I happened to be crying. She asked what was the matter, I told her and asked her not to say anything, but told her I where I was going.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever. My husband told me he'd wait for me to call him with any new news, being our son was fast asleep. When I got to the hospital they admitted me to an emergency room right away. A nurse came in and asked for all the specifics about the pregnancy, how far along, what had brought me in. I was so scared and nervous. Because I was in the emergency room on a Thursday night it was quite busy, so it seemed to take forever before I actually saw a doctor. He asked me all the same questions. I was still very hopeful because the spotting had not worsened, and I was not cramping. The doctor did an internal examine and he told me my cervix was fully closed, so there was a 50/50 chance that I would carry this baby to term. That I should just go home, get a good nights rest and make an appointment to see my doctor in the morning. I left the hospital still very hopeful that it was nothing and everything would be just fine. When I arrived home my husband was asleep, holding the phone, beside our beautiful son. I just started weeping. My sobbing awoke my husband, and he grabbed my hand pulled me to him and kissed my tear stained cheek. We sat like that for a while just holding each other. After my sobbing had stopped, he asked what the doctors had said. I told him everything and he told me to climb into bed and we would go to my doctor in the morning.

In the morning I phoned the new clinic where my doctor was to make an appointment. They said the earliest they could fit me in was late afternoon. I told the receptionist that I had to see my doctor as soon as possible explained what happened the night before and she said she could fit me in within the hour. I phoned into work, saying I wouldn't be in and then I phoned my babysitter told her what was happening and that we might need her in the afternoon. She told me to bring our son right over, but I told her that wasn't possible that we had to leave immediately to get to the doctors on time. I told her I would keep her updated as to what was happening and we left for the doctors.

Our son fell asleep in the car, so we decided to let him sleep and my husband stayed outside in the car with him. I went inside they admitted me to a room right away and within a couple minutes my doctor walked in reading my chart. She asked a few questions and said things didn't look too good. She set up an ultra sound that afternoon to see if everything was ok or not. We can take it from there she said.

The appointment was downtown and we had just enough time for something to eat and to drop our son off at the babysitter's.

When we got to the ultra-sound lab they called me in right away, I asked if my husband could be with me and they said not right now maybe later. The ultra-sound tech asked a few questions began the test then said she had to go and consult with her superior. I lay waiting in the darkened room hoping and praying the news I was about to see was good. It wasn't the technician told me there was no fetal heartbeat and the tissue had massed together looked like I was definitely spontaneously aborting the baby. He said he would call my doctor to find out what I should do told me to get dressed then go and wait in the waiting room until he called me back. I couldn't hold back the tears when I saw my husband. He didn't have to ask and I couldn't say anything. They called me back said my doctor was on the phone and wanted to speak with me.

She told me to go to the hospital she would arrange for me to have "the procedure" done. That this was mother natures way of saying its for the best. I asked a few questions how long would it take would I be in over night, should I get someone to watch our son, because I needed my husband with me. I talked for a few more minutes then I left the office and went and got my husband. We walked out with the knowledge that the baby that had been growing inside of me was now gone and that the medical professionals now referred to it as tissue that had to be removed. I was devastated. We walked out to the car and I just sat there crying for what seemed like an eternity. After I cried for a few minutes I told my husband everything that the doctor and technician told me. I started to cry all over again.

I phoned my parents and asked them to come down and pick up our son as I had to go to the hospital. What for they asked, and when I told them they didn't seem too concerned. We made arrangements to meet them at the hospital, as they also live out of town. My parents were not happy about my being pregnant that's another long story... one I might tell another time.

We went and picked up my son, got a few things together for everyone and off to the hospital we went. I again went to emergency and told them my story and I was admitted to another room right away. That was at five in the afternoon. It seemed like as soon as I found out I had in fact lost the baby the bleeding and cramping became a lot worse. I didn't see a doctor until around nine that night and he was going to send me home and let me pass "it" naturally. He wanted me to get another opinion and we were left to wait on another doctor. Then I started to hemorrhage and that's when something was done. I was whisked up to the O.R. and the procedure was carried out. My husband was with me, just outside the O.R. and he was waiting for me in the recovery room. He was the first person I saw.

It took me a few weeks after the miscarriage before I could even think of looking at the blankie I had started for my baby. I went to a support group for loss and that night after the first meeting I came home and finished the blankie. I knew I had to have something to remember my baby with.

My son now carries the blankie around as his own, and for now that's fine, but there will be a day that I will tell him the story of his baby sibling and what had happened. How God needed our little baby, in Heaven.

I would love to hear from anyone, and listen to others if you would like to send me a message. My e-mail address is dltorrie@home.com

Update: 03 May 1999

This is an update on my story. It's coming on a year since I miscarried our second baby. I know in my heart it was a little girl and since I miscarried I named her Britany Leanne. Since she left us my heartaches almost daily when I think of what might have been. She would have been 6 months old and having many of the firsts parents dream about watching their child achieve. We want another child so badly and we are now going through fertility treatments to try and accomplish this goal. I was so hoping though that when the year anniversary of our loss came that I would be pregnant once again. But I'm not so I guess its just one more thing I will have to try and overcome. I have received a lot of support from my husband and on line I have met a wonderful lady whom I will be forever grateful. We believe in our hearts our little angels met in heaven and saw how badly we needed one another and thus threw us together. It might sound silly but if it wasn't for her love and support I don't know how I would have made it. I have also been attending and now I am a facilitator with a support group for pregnancy loss.

Losing my baby has definitely changed my life. I could go on and on how but I won't I will just say I am definitely not the same person I was a year ago. A year ago I was planning on color schemes and names. This year I'm trying to think of an appropriate way to remember my lost angel. The thing about losing my baby I remember the most was it was the weekend of mothers' day and with mothers day approaching so quickly I am being bombarded by so many memories. Good and awful and I am just trying to sort through so many of these feelings. In some ways I am thankful for my loss because I have met so many wonderful people whom I never would have. But they can never replace the loneliness I feel. The ache of wanting to hold my baby to love her. I miss her so badly and I just want her to know that I love her with all my heart and soul and I will never forget her. Something I received from the support group I attend sums up how I feel many days. How very softly you tiptoed into our hearts almost silently. Only a moment you stayed but what an imprint your footprints have left upon my heart. I just want to let everyone who has recently gone through a loss it does get easier the pain does subside. but the memories never go! Thanks for listening.

Lorna

dltorrie@home.com