I should be happy with my life ...

by Carol

Date: Sun, 30 Aug 1998

I found your website quite by accident today. I just completed a second cycle of fertility drugs and it was a failure. I've been a little obsessing and depressing today just thinking of the could have beens.

I don't know if it's too soon to be making a decision like this but for right now I've decided to stop trying to conceive; at least for right now. I'm emotionally and physically just drained from this last cycle. Running to and from the doctor's office daily, being poked and prodded by many people, daily injections into my stomach area, the upheaval of hormones and emotional distress, the pregnancy mimicking by the hCG shot and the utter and complete disappointment and disgust at my body for failing me again this cycle now that my period has arrived.

I should be happy with my life. I'm married to a wonderful man and have been happily married for nine years. I have two great children from my first marriage.

Four years into the marriage we decided to see if I could get pregnant. I had my tubes tied when my second child was born. At the time I was going through a rough marriage and decided to have my tubes tied during the birth. We later divorced. I never for a second thought I would ever meet a man who would want me and love me and want to help raise my children. Such was unimaginable at the time.

The surgery went well but a year later we found out I did not ovulate regularly on my own. On to Clomid. After six cycles I developed a very large cyst and decided not to use this drug again. It did cure my anovulation. A year later we found out that my left tube is blocked but at least the right tube is open and dye spills easily. This was our fifth anniversary, spent in the hospital having a hysterosalpingogram.

Time passes and still no pregnancy. In 1997 I experienced a light period which lasts all of a day and a half. Three weeks later I develop severe pain on the right side in the pelvic area. A day later I start bleeding. This was not normal for me. I was worried, maybe an ectopic pregnancy due to my tubal surgery. I went to my doctor who said yes I was pregnant but experiencing a miscarriage. By the way you are five weeks pregnant. I spent a week in bed dreaming of babies not really hearing, or wanting to hear, what the doctor had said. My uterus started contracting and the cervix started to dilate. My worst fears. To actually attain a pregnancy and have to lose it in such a short time. I miscarried on Easter weekend. 25 years to the day my Grandmother died.

It took two months for me to be able to go outside my house. I could not face anyone who was pregnant or who had a baby. I cried at the slightest thing. My mother who lost a child at seven months to pneumonia told me it was God's will. I could not accept that.

In November I read an ad in the local paper for a new doctor in our area who had expertise in helping infertile patients. I thought for sure I would qualify for that so I went to a seminar he was hosting at the local hospital. I scheduled an appointment for a consultation and examination for the following week.

The doctor did the normal exam, discussing the miscarriage, checked for various infections and diseases, noted that I had bronchitis. I told him I had bronchitis during the last pregnancy, too. I don't know if that is just coincidental or helped lead to the miscarriage.

Two weeks later I missed a period and was sick to my stomach, I had breast tenderness and tingling like when the milk comes in, I just knew I was pregnant. I did a home pregnancy test a week later and it came up positive. This was a rarity for me, I've never had a HPT come up positive. I scheduled a serum beta test and went in the next day. The numbers were low so my doctor thought it was very early. He gave me progesterone suppositories and told me to use them twice a day.

The next day I started to have back pain and spotting. I immediately went to bed. The pain intensified and the bleeding progressed. I miscarried two days later. Ironically, this was Thanksgiving weekend and the original due date of the previous pregnancy. I will never view holidays the same again.

Many things have happened in the last nine months. I have gone on to a RE who has done testing for recurrent pregnancy loss but could find no reason for me to miscarry. My uterus is perfect, although retroverted, one very small fibroid on the outer wall which should not prohibit pregnancy and some immunologic testing. All tests negative.

I feel now at age 36 that I am at the end of my road in dealing with infertility, although called sterility by my insurance carrier and is therefore denying all claims for infertility, and the two miscarriages. My husband has been extremely comforting and loving to me during the past five and a half years, especially in dealing with the miscarriages. Those were his children, too, and we will never know them.

I thank you for listening to me. I have never found anyone who could actually understand my thoughts and feelings until getting on-line in February of this year. A whole world has opened up to me on the web where other women share their pains and sorrows and have actually helped me to deal with mine. I hope by listening/reading that this in some way can help you.

Thank you. Carol