Someday We All Will Heal

by Tracy Brownfield

Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1998

My story is really no different. I haven't felt my baby move for a while, I called the doctor and he said to come in and they'll listen for the heartbeat. Of course there was none. Off to the Radiology for an ultrasound, still no heartbeat. I was admitted that afternoon to be induced. Matthew was "delivered" at 5:45 the next morning. My family is still healing, it was only a few days ago. We buried him just this past Sunday. I would have been 21 weeks that day. Now the only reason I go on is because of my family. My husband and our daughter, Matthew's sister. It helps some to go to the grave. I feel like I'm still taking care of him somehow. I just wanted to tell our story. Thank you for letting me go on.

Update:Fri, 9 Jul 1999

Hi,

I just wanted to say that as time slowly goes by, I do cope with the pain of loosing Matthew. I do have some hope for the future. It still hurts when I think about how I'm supposed to have a six-month-old with me now, but I do feel some comfort knowing he will never grow old, never know fear. He will never be sick or hurt. Some days I do feel selfish and angry, how my son has been taken away, but the bitterness is gone and the anger goes away when I think that Matthew is truly "safe" in Gods arms.

We are trying again. I have hope now that it might happen. That someday, God will grant us the precious gift we dream of so much. I just wanted to say these things to give others hope that healing will happen, in time the ache will not be as bad, it wont all go away, but dealing with life will be somewhat easier. In time dealing with uncaring and non-thinking people comes easier. I have all mothers who lost a child in my thoughts and prayers. I would love if anyone wanted to "talk". You can cry on my shoulders to speak by contacting me at Tresmom@ivillage.com  

Take care. Take it one day at a time

Tracy