My Loss

by Laqunda Atkinson

Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999

I just discovered this page and I'm so glad I did. I have been dealing with the loss of my child since August 24th 1997. Please let me tell you a little bit about it. It was May 29th 1997 when I received the wonderful news that I was pregnant with my first child. May 29th is also my birthday so this news was my birthday present from God above. My husband and I had been trying for almost two years before I became pregnant so I was very excited. My first appointment was May 30th. I took a blood test to confirm that I was truly pregnant and it was positive. I was the most happiest woman on earth. The month before I had given up on having a baby because nothing was happening.

So as you can see this was an unexpected event. Around the time I had gotten pregnant, we started to fall on hard times. We could barley get our bills paid and there were even times when I had to ask my mother for food. I knew I wasn't getting the proper nutrients because I could barley afford to by food as it was. Well as many women I experienced morning, afternoon, and evening sickness. I could not even take the vitamins prescribed to me nor could I keep a meal down. I was very sick indeed. Around the third month I started to have brown discharge. I immediately made a doctor's appointment. My doctor checked me and assured me everything was okay. A couple of weeks before I had heard the baby's heartbeat and it was a strong one so I thought that everything was okay but it was not. The bleeding continued over a period of a month and a half before that awful day. It was August 23rd and I was getting over my morning sickness and things were starting to get back on track. I had just started a new job and my husband's job was going very well. I hadn't felt good about myself in 4 1/2 months but I felt good that day. I put on a beautiful dress and I did my hair really pretty. I felt good!!!!!!!!!!

My husband and I were over his mother's house when things started to go wrong. I had to go to the bathroom and as I sat there, there was a gush of fluid. I called my doctor but she was not available so I spoke with another one. He told me it was just my bladder which made absolutely no sense. As soon as I hung up the phone, I started to bleed very bad. I jumped up screaming and told my husband to take me to the hospital. The ride there was very rough because all I could think about was that I did not want to lose my baby. I ask God to please let my baby be okay. We arrived at the hospital and I was taken into ER. The wait was long and dreadful. I finally had a sonogram about three hours after I got there and by this time I was bleeding through towels left and right. When I was lifted on to the sonogram table I was bleeding so bad that my mother just put her head down and cried. But When my beautiful baby boy appeared on screen with a strong heartbeat I seen a sign of hope but that hope was soon shot down. When I was wheeled back to the ER room, I was told that I was losing my baby. My heart dropped to the ground. I felt like I had just went to hell and back in one second. I was finally put in a room about 11:00 PM. It was 6:00 PM when I arrived there so I was exhausted. By this time I was having bad contractions. I never thought that it would hurt so bad but it did. I went through 15 hours of labor before I gave birth to my precious baby boy. Once I delivered him, he took one breath and died before I could even hold him. He was so tiny and so beautiful.

After I was released from the hospital I cried and cried and cried. I was so sad because my baby was not here with me. I went through everything a woman whom had delivered a full term baby would. I went through labor and delivery, my breast filled with milk, and I was on bed rest for six weeks. The only thing missing was my precious child. It took a long time for me to get back to normal. I was depressed and I didn't know what to do. I finally gave it all to God. Things happen for a reason and although we may not understand, God makes no mistakes. I had to learn to accept that and it took a long time. After we could start trying for another baby we did and nothing has happened. It is very hard to deal with because I want so badly to be a mother. Hopefully one day God will see fit for that dream to come true but until then, all I can do I pray and know that God will bless me one day.

Thank you for listening.
GOD BLESS.
REMEMBER TO KEEP GOD IN YOUR LIFE AT ALL TIMES.