There Would Be No Baby, AGAIN

by Nicola Atkins

Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000

I don't really know where to start but I would like to tell my story.
I now have a healthy 6 month old baby, but have waited a long 3 years to get him.
Since July 1997, I have had a total of seven miscarriages. The first couple were very early on, but hurt like mad. I don't think that it ever gets any easier. We wanted to have a baby so much, and each time that I fell pregnant we had a little bit of hope that this would be the time. WE would now get our baby. The doctors have not been the greatest support, and now because of what I have been through am suffering with severe post natal depression.
With my third miscarriage, I lost a set of beautiful twins. I had seen them on the ultra sound, as I had all of my others, but lost them a week apart, at 14 and 15 weeks.
Time after time. Although I should just be grateful for the bundle of joy that I now have with my son, it isn't that easy. I have never properly been able to grieve for the loss of all eight children, who I felt inside me, for the short time that they were a part of me.
I just wanted to hide away from the world and stay in bed for the rest of my life. Instead I threw myself back into work and had to explain to everyone that there would be no baby, AGAIN.
I have undergone genetic counselling, Pelvic X rays, Womb X rays, and until recently had no explanation of why I was losing my beloved babies. My last miscarriage was only 6 weeks ago, and it hurt just as much as the first. Maybe I should be used to the emotional pain and numbness that follows but I am not. At least it is never unexpected though.
Now I have been told that I have a very rare blood disorder which is causing my blood to clot too much.
Maybe I will try again for another baby one day, but not yet.
I have to lay to rest my little Angels first, and hopefully get on with my life.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

Nicola Atkins