Weep For Deirdra

by Peggyann W. Allen

"Weep,,Weep for Deirdra"
"Red Branch" by Morgan Llwellyn

Date: Wed, 02 Sep 1998

I knew that we were going to end up pregnant sooner than we expected. We both know that we are too young to be having a baby yet. I mean,,we are only 21. We have only been married six months. So I wasn't suprised on August 12th that I was pregnant. I really had to be sure,,my periods are so irregular and skip a month or two at a time. So I went to the doctor. Yup. I was pregnant. Almost 17 weeks. and,,,,it was a GIRL. We were so happy. We had picked out a name and everything,,Deirdra Isabella Allen. Deirdra which means "beautiful" in Gaelic,,and Isabella for my Granma. But last tuesday,,on the 25th of August,,something was wrong,,bad wrong,,I felt like I was having menstrual cramps,,but I couldnt have menstrual cramps,,I was pregnant!!! And then the bleeding started,,and I don't mean "oh,,a spot" I mean just waves of blood. So there we were,,two scared 21 year olds,,scared out of our minds and me sick as anything in the emergency room. I was having a miscarriage. And I had to have a D&C. So after that nice little piece of hell I was told by the doctor that I was young and healthy and just to move on. You know what I say?? SCREW HIM. How heartless. Why doesn't he just tell me that since I'm young and obviously sexually active I can get pregnant again in no time so what's the big deal? I felt like pulling his heart out of his chest,,the way mine had been. I'm so tired of everyone cheering when someone young miscarries. You know,,not all of us are dumb kids. We both have good jobs. We have a beautiful house,,a new truck,,we aren't dumb kids playing with fire. I feel isolated because everyone seems to think that since I'm young,,it should be easier and I need to "grow up and move on". Well,,I am a grown up,,and for right now I don't want to move on,,I need to grieve,,,because the greatest gift the Gods ever gave my husband and I was taken from us. And now all I want is Deirdra,,my sweet baby that I will never hold,,,Does the emptiness ever end?

Peggyann W. Allen